Reluctantly she let's him go

He took the last straw this weekend that just past.  It came to a point where I could not justify myself putting so much energy and thought into him.  I kept telling myself he is 28.  When I was 28 I didn't know what I wanted either.  All I cared about were my friends and making sure I didn't miss out on anything social.  I went to every party I was invited to, and every gig, every festival and every shin dig both big and small - even if I didn't really know the hosts.  I just didn't want to miss out.

Last night when I didn't even get a reply, not even to say he didn't feel like leaving his house or making plans, I knew it was it.  I could not put myself through another bout of depression, anxiety and disappointment. Enough was enough.

I am still confused as to why and how someone could be so unreliable, with such lack of respect for other people, or maybe it is just me he is doing this to.  He knows how I feel about him so he takes it for granted, knowing I will always welcome him back with open arms.

So many times I wanted to text him today and I didn't.  Every time my phone vibrated, I always wished it was him.

But I know this.  I need to believe that I can get through this.  I feel like I am going through a break up even though we never even really had anything to break up with in the first place.

The knots in my belly, the burning deep within my guts, it's not as bad as the day before, and tomorrow and even the next day, I know it will gradually subside.

I am sighing inside me.  Oh well.

Hey.  Yes, I find you very hot, your blue eyes amazing, your abs delicious.  But I don't deserve to be treated like I don't matter to you, someone that can be ignored or spoken to when it suits you, you have treated my time with such disrespect and with no consideration at all.  No matter how much I like you as a person, how much I think we get along, how much we have in common, and how my feelings for you have been so strong, I just have to believe you took me for granted.  You don't deserve me at all.  I gave you so many chances, more than I have with anyone else.  But I need to stay true to me and so with this I will have to say, see you later my little hottie.  

Love frustrated

Can I be in love when all I feel is a big twist in my belly.  How can I love somebody that continues to lead me on, play hot then cold?  Maybe I don't know how I feel.

He continues to play me, want to make plans but not make them true, leave me waiting around, frustrated and angry.

How can I let someone treat me like this, and yet still feel so strongly for him.  And every time he sends me a text, all is forgiven again.

I wish so much for him to send me texts again telling me he misses me, he can't wait to see me and how much he likes being with me.

Or is it just a game to him?  Is he leaving options, not putting all eggs in one basket?  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.  And how I don't believe what he says to me isn't true.

When I saw him last night, he kissed me quickly on the cheek, and wanted to go home.  Why didn't he invite me back with him?  Why didn't he kiss me on the lips?

He suggested we do something today.  And when I texted him asking if he wanted to meet up, he didn't reply.

Left waiting once again.

If only I could figure out why I am so attracted to him when he doesn't treat me right, why I can't seem to get him out of my head when he just calls me on his terms, and why I have such strong feelings from him when I don't even know where I stand with him.

Love.  It confuses me.  I used to think it could only be love if it was mutual.  But maybe it can be different.

Love.  It damn well confuses me and tips my world upside down.

It really is a mystery.

Obsessed

It's not everyday you meet someone who could be your soul mate.  Someone who you instantly connect with and can tell all your dark secrets too without hesitation.  Someone who understands you, read you like a book, and in an instant know that you want him to stay forever more.  Someone who you can just melt into, drift away and also someone that can bring out the best and the worst in you.

It's only happened once or twice in my life and in recent weeks I met another possible soul mate of mine.  We talked and laughed and I could not believe how much we got along and connected, intellectually, physically, mentally, every bit of me, and us just connected.

When we both went back to our own homes after our first date, he sent me a text admitting how much he liked me, how much fun he had and I smiled.  Finally? I thought.  I was scared to fantasise but I couldn't help it.

We met up again, he came over, and we hung out in my room for a few hours.  He told me again how much he liked me and asked me what I thought of him.  I told him the truth, I said he was very young (28) but I did like him a lot also.

The next time we made plans to meet, I waited around in the city.  6pm went, no calls or texts, then 8pm then 9pm.  I sent him a text saying I was going home.  I called him when I was at home and he didn't answer.  I was devastated and hoped nothing was wrong but I was also so so confused.

The next morning he sent me a text saying how sorry he was.  And then he called and I forgave him, he promised it wouldn't happen again.  And we made plans to meet up that night.
When I finished work I texted and called again.  No answer.

I went out, got drunk, got wasted. And yet I still called him and texted. And he still didn't reply.

The next day, still intoxicated I called him again.  He said 'hi' like everything was ok and nothing happened.  He wanted to meet up later on.  I didn't believe him so I went to sleep off my hangover.  Later in the afternoon he did come over and we hung out again.  He asked me if I was mad he didn't call me.  I said I was pretty easy going.  And that was all was said about the matter.  It was a state of bliss.  I loved every bit of him being with me.

When he left that night he told me he would call me the next day to plan a date.  The same thing happened the next day.  Stood up again.  I then flipped.

I bought 3 bottles of wine, 2 pizzas and a pasta and got drunk again.  I started sending him psycho texts out of rage.  Ones that included lines such as 'I thought we had a mutual understanding that we liked each other', 'Are you just playing the field', 'Please can we talk about this', 'Why don't you come over and hang out', 'What did I do wrong?', 'I'm drunk, I like you too much', 'You're awesome fun to hang out with'.

It carried on for days until finally he responded with 'I have been wanting to see you, but your texts freaked me out a bit'.

All was forgiven.  And he wanted to see me again.

Then that night it happened again.  He blocked me from an online chat and I flipped once more.  'WTF did I do?', 'Can we sort this out?', 'What happened? Are you mad at me'.  The texts were needy, desperate, the 12am calls went unanswered.

I saw myself obsessed with this guy, confused, outraged at his behaviour.  How can someone treat me so bad, yet all I want is for him to want me and only me in his life.  Such desperation, panic that he probably thought I was crazy.

The next day, after an apologetic text and the reassurance that he still wanted to see me, all was forgiven again.

We made plans to meet up that Saturday night.

Friday night I was just chilling at home when he called wanting to come over.  Booty call.
Me in my drunken state agreed and he came over.  The next morning he said he would come back in the afternoon.  We made plans to have pizza and have a few drinks.

Later that evening, my calls and texts went unanswered and I was home alone again waiting for him.

The next day I received a text. 'Hey.'
I asked him what happened to him and he didn't reply.

The next few days, I would get random texts from him asking me how was I was, and it would always end with a standoffish 'I'm good', 'At basketball'.

I got back online, and started to look around again.  Keep myself occupied and try to forget.
And today I get another text, 'Hey how are you?'.
After a few more texts with no direction, I asked him if he was busy tonight and if he would like to grab a margarita.
No reply.

A few hours later, I noticed he checked my profile.

In the words of Johnny Cash 'And it burns, burns, burns'
My whole inside was burning up.  Rage, disappointment, anger, sadness.

I need to get him out of my head, out of my life.
It's so hard to let go when you think you meet someone who just gets you.  I didn't have to explain myself to him, nor him to me.  We just became.

Or so I thought.  He is obviously playing the field and nothing more.  I don't understand how his actions could be a big act.  He seemed so genuine to me.

All my friends tell me he's no good but yet how can I want him so so much.

I'm trying to just let go.  But half of my heart just keeps looking at my phone hoping to reconnect.
Deep down it won't happen but I wish so much my deep down instinct is wrong.

Let go. Let go.  He is only 28.  Just a boy. Not ready. Scared of my being so full on.

Just a player.

I need to chill the F out. Breath. Move on and let him go.

Mr Fitz

I felt a flutter in my stomach when he sent me a wink.  27, very hot and reminded me of Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars.

And he was also a school teacher, not English like Mr. Fitz but nonetheless, a school teacher.

He told me I was the prettiest girl he has seen, said he wouldn't be able to help himself and would kiss me as soon as we met.  His words were perfect, just like a romance novel.  And he always ended the conversation with 'good night my love'

I felt so young, I smiled all day at the office and just like it was supposed to be, he sends me texts as soon as he wakes up, 'morning, you are so beautiful'.

We made plans to meet up at the end of the week and one night he even posted a love heart emoji against my profile pic.  I felt such a rush to think how a boy so much younger than me would find me so attractive to him.

'You are so beautiful, even in the dark' he would say as we Skyped in our beds at night.

One morning I clicked on his profile by accident (yes it was by accident) and found he had also done the same to five other female profiles, stamped a heart against their pic, with one he even said, 'in love'. I stared at her for five minutes, comparing myself to her, what does she have that I don't have? Youth, big gorgeous eyes, and beautiful features.

Alarm bells started ringing in my head and the one word I didn't want to hear went blasting through my brain. PLAYER.

I didn't hear from him the morning of the day that we had planned to meet, so I sent him a text asking him if we were still on.  He replied saying he had to work and had a birthday to go to later on.  'Let's do next weekend, I'll stay over' he said.  I didn't reply and I think my chest felt the stabbing of a million knives.

Later that day when I logged onto the app, his profile disappeared from my list.  Two things could have happened, either he blocked me or he deleted his profile.

I felt such disappointment that I yelled out in the open air, 'I hate you!'

I didn't hate him, it was the universe.  I cursed the universe that day and wondered why I keep getting dealt the same old cards.

Life really is like a roller-coaster.

The apple stays on the tree

Whenever I am presented with temptation I always think of Adam and Eve, and the apple.

I had my second date with the married man.  In between the first and the second date I couldn't stop fantasising about him.  It would take over my day, on the train, during meetings at work, and even in bed, I would think about him and imagine what it would be like to be with him as I fell asleep.

But no matter how much I wanted to dream about him, it would never happen.  Perhaps it was a sign?

On the day that we planned to meet, for some reason something in me clicked, or maybe I had over obsessed to a point where he actually started to turn me off.

I started to think of the negatives, he took me to a place where he said were the best margaritas in the Southern Hemisphere.  He was very wrong.  The margaritas were watery and much too sour.  And then he kept going on and on and on about this one place to get pizza but it shut early during the week and I have heard reports that they have been struggling - probably due to bad positioning and not being able to open at nights.  This restaurant was in a shopping centre, it was not exactly the best spot to be hosting what's meant to be the best pizza in town.  But I trusted him, more so than the margaritas, he was Italian, and he would know best about his home cuisine.

But I guess what really happened was that after the initial cheekiness and naughtiness of it all, the idea of an older married man stopped appealing to me.  I started to look at him differently.  How deceitful he was, how selfish he was behaving and how much I didn't respect him at all.

To top it all off, during our second date at a high end cocktail bar, his arrogance came out.  He wasn't very friendly to the bar tender or the cocktail waitress, and he acted like he was above them.  I noticed another thing, he kept repeating himself and if I didn't start on a new topic, he repeated what he had already told me.  He told me how nice it was to see me again about five or six times.  What happened to the fun night we had initially?  The endless flow of conversation, how easy it was to talk and just be.  Did I really find out all about him in one night?  Was there nothing else he could have brought up or said or told me?  Not even with the decade of living he had ahead of me?

Lack of conversation, his arrogance, how I have come to notice him as being a creature of nature, not living outside the box.  Not deal breaking I know, but after obsessing about him for a week, maybe I just had enough.  He obviously didn't live up to how I imagined him to be.  It was definitely for the better - a grateful gift in disguise.

I made up an excuse, said I had an exhausting day and I really needed to go.  After he suggested to have dinner, I declined and said next time.  He still tried and said one more drink at another bar, but I still said no.  I had made up my mind and wanted to get out of there as soon as I can.

I politely went to the ladies and returned the Candidate's missed call I saw on my phone earlier on.  He offered to come and pick me up from my 'work drinks' and I accepted.  It was raining heavily after all.

I promised the married guy I would make it up to him, and that next time we would have the best fun and I would not be so tired.  When I kissed him goodbye on the cheek, the thought of having to kiss his other cheek, the second kiss, was grossing me out.  I couldn't believe how fast and what a u-turn I had made with how I felt about him.  You can't really help your feelings, and I even though I was glad it ended up this way, I still don't know how I came to these emotions so suddenly after a week of day dreams and smiles.

That night I stopped obsessing.  And I think he got the message also.  I still think of him at times, but I am happy I never picked that apple.

Darlinghurst Douche

I got a random text message from one of the random numbers I had gotten whilst on the margaritas one night.

Two months later he wanted to catch up for a drink.  I thought to myself why not?  

I actually didn't really want to but I also did want to find out or remind myself what he looked like and if I had a chance of finding him interesting.

The day came and I met him on Oxford Street, he was late.  We went up to Ching-a-lings and he ordered a bottle of wine.

We ran out of things to talk about in - oh let's say - five minutes.  And this is me being generous.  Luckily we were both in the same industry so he could bitch about work.  When we didn't talk about work, it was awkward and I struggled to find things to talk about.  So I just started dropping random comments and talking about the first thing that came to mind.  Conversation was hard and trying.

I am sure I was out of there in around half and hour, he had some friends waiting for him up the road.  

Bad, bad date.

I walked away and laughed when he said he would keep in touch.

All I kept thinking about was how I wasted my time with this douche who was actually even too boring to be a douche.  I could have gone to the gym and lost four hundred calories.

Then I did it.

I called Mister and he was more than happy to come up and meet me.

He let me hang on to him as we walked to Spice I Am to order takeaway Thai in my heeled boots.

He called me when I got home to make sure I was ok and that I enjoyed my dinner.

OK - so he is not top of mind, but I think he may be slowly climbing up.

Taken

There was something very important that I didn't know about my date last week.

I may have had a hunch but I didn't read his profile so I didn't know.

We met up in Surry Hills, when he saw me he stood up and gave me an European kiss hello.

As we sat down for a margarita, I was instantly drawn to him, he's a lot older but yet he still made me laugh.  We talked about anything and everything ranging from fashion to politics to religion and philosophy.

When we left and went walking on the street he held out his arm so that I could hold onto it, he saw me in heels, and he made sure I didn't trip.  He opened the passenger door before his and shut the door for me before heading over to the drivers seat.

When was the last time someone did that for me? Maybe when I pulled up outside the casino, or greeted at a five start hotel or fine dining restaurant, but never on a date.

But then he told me the news. And my hunch was right.  He had a wife and a son at home.  From that point I didn't know what to say.  Rather just blurted, 'what are you doing out with me then?'

Whatever was going on with him at home, the truth, perhaps he didn't tell.  He said home was like living with his best friend, and that they had both lost the spark in their relationship but needed to keep the family unit together for their son.

However, I still felt a strong attraction to him, his accent, they way he presented himself, dressed and walked.  When we sat on a lounge sipping wine, I could feel the heat between us, and I felt comfortable leaning ever so slightly by him, barely touching as I kept my cool and just carried on with conversation.  Inside I just kept thinking that this was a bad idea but why am I so excited by it all?

Then back at home I couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to be with him, not so much that he was married but more so that he was older.  There was a different kind of presence about him from the other guys I have recently met up with.  It felt like he was established, knew what he wanted, with life experiences - he could pretty much do whatever he wanted.

I think that's what I was drawn to.  It wasn't about trying to get somewhere, it wasn't about big life plans or career goals, or even having no goals at all.  It was like there was no sense of wonder, he already knew who he was.

That was I got out of the few hours we spent together anyway.

So we said bye, no late night pash, no sneaky hands exploring each other in a quiet, dark street.  Rather I think it would be safer to leave all of that stored in my imagination.

This could never work out.  Even if I did go there and end up being with him, only once, I dread to think how I would feel afterwards.  Would I feel guilty? Or would I just feel like I would want more, to see him again?

Now I know what it's like to be presented with the forbidden fruit.  Having to decide between what is the right thing to do and not knowing really if it is the right thing or not.  It's true it's not right in society's eyes, but what about being true to what feels right between two people?

Boys, boys, boys

I must say getting attention from boys gives me the warm and fuzzies.  I mean I'm not in love, far from it.  But I have come a long way from feeling so unwanted and ugly at one point in my life to finding a new confidence within myself.

I'm glad I don't walk around hating myself anymore, and I look forward to my every day.  No I haven't lost the ten kilos I want to lose, and I am still paying off a painful debt and I sometimes I do think about how old I am getting, but it is bearable nowadays.  You could say that I have finally broken away from the clutches of Mister and his games.

It was so obvious to everyone around me but of course not obvious to me, clutching onto the strands of what could've been with him.  

He has been calling and texting me, it has stopped now and I think it was because he got the message.  He has been wanting to catch up and even one night was really forward asking me if I was keen for 'snuggles'.  I ignored the text and said the next day I was asleep.  After the third or fourth decline there has been silence from him, and I haven't heard from him now in days.

I think about being with him again and to my surprise I don't feel any desire to, I can finally say that I am no longer attracted to him! Finally.....

The Candidate.  Bless his cotton socks, he is so cute, but really just a boy.  He sends me adorable texts that make me laugh, and he shows interest in catching up, but again I have been busy.  It's my new thing - friends and me time first, boys later.  I have found in the past I have always wanted to rush things, I would always think, 'quick, quick' all the time but have realised I just need to slow down.  Just because you slept with him last night doesn't mean he will text or call the next day.  Newly found dating training.

Over mojitos by Circular Quay one sunny Sunday afternoon, a friend told me about this phone app that connects you with boys.  It took me less than a minute to sign up and upload a pic from my phone and away I went.  I became pretty obsessed initially, on the phone just chatting to whoever, and the choice not to respond once boredom set in. 

It may not even eventuate to anything at all, but I consider this as practice.  I've never been one to flirt with boys or even be able to speak to random boys in a social setting so I suppose starting off with phone chat is like baby steps to make me more sociable.

At the moment,  I'm just after a bit of fun and flirting is fun.

Reconnecting

One side of my heart kept telling me it was a big mistake but the other side of my heart was telling me I can do it, and out of curiosity, I needed to know if he would reply and talk to me.

That's right, so Mister returns once more and is back in my life again.  This is probably a big disaster waiting to happen and goes to show how I either need drama in my life or I am a glutton for punishment.

To think how hard it was to actually get myself to stop thinking about him, two shags, a pash and a random phone number later, he crept back into my mind but thankfully the door to my heart is still firmly locked.

I now approach this situation with caution.  He wanted to catch up one night but I said I was heading home, in which he then asked what I was doing because he was bored, but I didn't reply.

Yesterday he sent me another text, asking if I wanted to catch up.  I sent a reply asking him if he sent that message to me by mistake.  So we met up for dinner, didn't speak about what happened when we stopped talking, instead we just picked up where we last left off, as if nothing had happened in between and it was just time that had passed between us.

After dinner, he started to head towards his place, I stopped and said I was going home.  He seemed surprised and casually said 'boring'.  I guess he thought I would automatically want to head back to his place, chill out, talk and eventually just fall into each others arms and end up in bed having sex.  Even though it could very well have not been the case, I didn't want to leave it up to chance.

The big question is why.  Why did I end up sending him an email reconnecting after so many months?
I was doing so well.

Since the departure of Mr Sexting from my life, the closure of my online dating profile (too many weirdos), and my need to stay in to save money, the pool has once again dried up.  And with one particular 'candidate' left on the scene, this candidate has not 'performed' or acted in the way that I find is enough for me.  Yes sure enough he seems keen, but I don't hear from him unless I text him first, or if I wait, my stomach will just end up in knots waiting and waiting so I, most of the time, will end up texting and casually asking him how he is.

That leaves candidate and Mister on the scene, and with candidate being quiet on his end, and Mister wanting to catch up, I suppose that's the reason why I said yes.

And today I think to myself that maybe I need to once again put myself out there in the online space, but with Mr Sexting being active on the two big sites, I dare not make myself public to his eyes.

Sigh.

What to do. I want to text the candidate but a part of me needs to know if he is indeed truly interested.
So I'm trying to play by 'The Rules'.

And The Rules really suck.

Sayonara Soft Lips

Part 2.

I remember his lips being really soft, I was pleasantly surprised, his kisses were close to magical.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again, I guess initially I did, but I was just busy, my days were always filled and I just couldn't see him.

But there came a point when he started to beg.

"Please can I see you"
"I want you so bad"
"Please can I fuck you"

So I agreed, and replied with "drinks and food this Thursday?"

I guess I always believe in people, believe that there are always good intentions and there is good in them.

He replied with "I wish you would just call me to come over when you are feeling playful"

I concluded that he didn't really want to get to know me in the end.  He just wanted a fuck, he wanted to jump my bones and I told him.

He told me that I am so hot, gorgeous and why wouldn't he. Sigh.  Some guys just don't get it.  Or maybe it is just him.

There is always something wrong with the ones you meet online and that I believe.

I had another guy who seemed nice, 'normal' and we had planned to meet.  And again I had been busy initially but agreed to catch up with him after a dinner with a friend.

He then told me that my bum was in trouble.

I think I gasped, but I wrote back with it being a no go zone.

"That's a bummer" he replied.

And then he deleted me off Facebook.

I laughed.

Seriously? Are guys really that interested in going to places where poo comes out?

Apparently if a girl agrees, it's a gesture of giving her all to him, and that it must be love.

Back to Mr. Sexting - well he continued for another week or two, I told him how it was, how he seemed so uninterested until now.  And I asked him why.  He said he was too busy at the end of the year.
But seriously? Not even one drink when he came to collect his jacket?

He got the message, earlier this week, my Facebook friends fell by another one,  I was deleted from his books.

I did feel a little pang, as inappropriate as he was at the best of times, the attention he gave me, the compliments I got, the knowing how much someone wanted to be with me did give me a feel good rush before the gross-ness set itself in.

Late night kissing

Do you remember my drunken fling in Melbourne in early 2011? If not you can read about it here.

Along with my bestie, he came with a few other peeps which made up our crew for the new year's festivities. At first I thought it would be an opportunity to get laid and it would make up my desire for a NYE kiss.  But then when I met up with them one evening before new years eve, it dawned on me that it indeed was a very drunken episode and it was quite awkward.  Or maybe he didn't really want to speak to me as he felt awkward also.  I tried to make conversation but it didn't feel comfortable so I didn't bother after that.

Later on that night we had gone to another bar and a guy went past me and said 'how was the Beresford?'
Obviously he was there earlier when I was there but I didn't notice him and I said 'it was good' and turned my back.

Later on, and after more vodkas, Smiz and I were heading towards the ladies when he came past again and asked 'how was the Beresford' and proceeded to high five Smiz and have a chat with us.  I don't know if I was attracted to him ... dark features, funny, friendly and quite good looking.  But I was feeling a little weird already with the whole Melbourne fling being around.  As Smiz and I went to the ladies, we both had our mouth opened in excitement.  At that time yes, I was quite excited and pleased.

Cut a long story short, he bought us a drink and we ended up kissing not long after a few minutes.  I don't know why but I was also extremely nervous, and kept making excuses saying I needed to go as I had friends from Melbourne visiting.

As I went to go, he kept pulling me back, and kept kissing me.  This made me even more nervous, like I was about to fall and crash down on my knees.  A part of my brain was questioning why I would feel so nervous, another part of me was thinking about my Melbourne fling being in Sydney and how awkward it was, and another part of my brain didn't feel anything, whereas another part of my brain felt so much excitement I just wanted to stand still and freeze.

We were kissing when the Melbourne fling walked past, I quickly pulled away and laughed, he probably didn't even care, but I wasn't sure if I did - it was just a fling after all.

I could tell all my friends wanted to leave, he didn't want me to go, but it was new years eve the next day and I was also worried about being able to have the energy to last through the night.  It was already 2am after all and we needed to be up and about by midday.

As I was walking down the stairs, I heard my name and he had run down the stairs after me. Wanting me to stay.

And you know what I did?

I ran down the stairs even faster and yelled 'I'm going!'

What in the world?

I can't remember the last time I was so nervous over a boy.  I don't know a thing about him and yet my stomach was filled with butterflies.

What's even weirder is that I haven't really heard from him since, I wonder what that was all about?
How can someone show you so much attention and interest, but ... won't make a decision to call you or make plans with you?

I even put myself on the line, sent him a text asking him to come out, that I owed him a sneaky pash in a corner.

No reply.

Confused much?

Positive thinking does work

Out with the old and in with the new.  Finally got the courage to stop calling Mister, it has been just over three weeks now since we last spoke and even though I still think about him, it is easier for me to bear.

After reading a fellow blogger's page and post about her online dating experience, I got inspired and decided to give the online thing another chance.  So I signed up and trawled through all of my requests, accepting one of them which caught my attention.  All I know was that his eyes got me, sometimes you look at a person and you know that there are stories to be told.

We became Facebook friends and I loved the idea that he has travelled, his online personality was bursting with life and vibrance, and best of all he seemed like he was quirky and funny.

So many people you accept online lack personality, not much more to say after 'How are you. How was your day. What do you like to do in your spare time. What do you do for work.' Snore.

Or else you get guys who will immediately request an MSN or Skype add so that they can send you videos or pics of their dicks.

I'd like to think that this guy was different.  I decided to meet up with him and we made arrangements to meet for drinks in my local area.  Though it didn't start off well.  I didn't hear from him for days and when I sent him a text to see if we were still on for drinks, I didn't hear back for hours.  I had given up and was laying in bed wondering why I even said yes to meeting up.

But in the end the date went ahead and we met up to see if we had a connection, any chemistry.  After a few drinks, we were pashing in the dimly lit bar.  It was fun, and I wanted to.  I hesitated at first and when we did kiss I was surprised at how his lips were so soft, softest I had ever felt, and the way he kissed was the complete opposite to Mister.  Passionate and grown up unlike the boyish kisses and tongue combats I had grown accustomed to in the previous few months.

He dared me to do things I wouldn't normally do, and it sent excitement through my blood like electricity.  We would stand outside of a shopfront and he would kneel down and kiss me on the side of my hip pulling my dress up whilst my hands would try and cover up what the world would otherwise get to see.

Words coming from his mouth were dirty and daring, I wasn't used to it but it made me laugh inside at how naughty someone can get.   I lapped up every dirty complimentary word but would never let it show, keeping my smiles to myself and thoughts of how awesome it felt to be showered with such positive words.

I do sometimes wonder what in world is going on with him though, the wanting to see me again, can't wait to see me again has resulted in nothing but a few messages here and there.

But this was all about me wanting to change my world for the better, stop wishing for something that could never happen with Mister, and it worked.  Even if it was a sleazy one night stand, at least I can give myself credit for being strong enough to finally let go of a wish and dream that could never be.

Melbourne - love this town

Happy Friday and thank goodness it's here!! Start of the weekend and away from this hell-hole called 'my work' for two days.

I seriously cannot stand my boss anymore, I have never met such an erratic, control freak and bull-crapper before in my life!! What a big mistake I made taking this stupid job that was only ever good for the first month.

Back to happier things.  One of the nicer part of my job is to be able to work on fun accounts.  As a part of that I got to head over to Melbourne for the day.  I flew in on Wednesday night and got to meet up with my bestie.

We went to a warehouse party hosted by a tequila brand so free food and drinks until midnight.  Love this town.  On entry it was much like a party you would go to in New York. Though now that I know that Mister's ex-comeback-fling lives in New Jersey, the thought of New York makes me cringe.

Next stop was a fantastic bar called Black Pearl.  At midnight on a Wednesday come Thursday it was already vibing and getting busier as the minutes ticked by.  As the door kept opening and the bar filled up more and more, I confirmed to myself that Melbourne talent is definitely better than Sydney talent.  The crowd all had an artistic edge to them, the vibe was nowhere near as pretentious as some bars in Sydney and I am just loving Melbourne more and more.

I had a tinge of regret, I tried to make the move to Melbourne two years ago and it lasted not even a week.  All thanks to Mister, he has been such a burden to my emotions and yet I STILL can't stop thinking about him and wondering what he is up to ... even today.

I was sad to leave Melbourne, my bestie and her hubbie have such a great set of friends, they catch up so often and they are like a big family.  I find it so hard to do it here.  If I catch up with friends I make plans for at least a week or two away.  Another thing that I love is that everyone knows everyone in their social circle, what is missing here is that.  I catch up with friends only to find out they haven't seen other mutual friends in ages or it was a few months ago.

Can't wait to head back.  If only I didn't have a new found addiction to ASOS, I would be back there in a heartbeat.

Hello - is it me you're looking for?

I just can't shake it.  Everywhere I turn there is someone pregnant or someone getting married or someone getting a promotion.

Is this what it feels like to be stuck in a rut?  Is Sydney the rut I need to get out of?

I know I haven't been at my job for that long but I am already feeling so unhappy.  I wonder if my line of work is for me.  I don't know how much more I can stand of the micro-managing, the controlling, the psychotic behaviour of a small business owner freak.  A week spent on arguing over the size of a headline font with the client could have been better spent on working and growing other clients and getting other jobs over the line.  That is how this controlling CEO behaves.  And then suddenly he will change his mind again and again and again and again.  If I should send something to the client I will get in trouble and if I don't I also get in trouble.  I truly believe he thinks that people can read his mind.

And then there is the situation of Mister.  He drives me insane when he calls and when he doesn't.  He drives me even further up the wall when he doesn't answer my text messages.  I know I am not supposed to call him and I am trying so, so, so hard not to, but alas I am not so strong willed.  I confronted him about that girl who he caught up with, in which he replied 'don't believe what your mind is telling you, it angers you' though didn't reply to me saying 'i try, but it's hard when you see stuff you don't want to see'

I nearly made it to a week without contact.  Next week maybe I will aim for two weeks.

And then there is my constant wondering.  Who else is out there for me?  Many people have said to me that you don't have one great love, that there are many.  But what of time catching up with you?
Getting older and everyone you see seems to just get younger.

What am I to do?

I still dream of meeting someone on the train, being bumped on the street, baskets clinking in the aisle of a supermarket or just sharing the same love for cheese at the growers markets.

Or do I just have to accept what is reality? Online dating, speed dating, singles nights and tacky bars and pubs?  Even so I have done all of it and received one night with an arrogant Italian and his small penis.

Alright, calm down love.

I'm so lucky to have friends who care.  

It is because of my gorgeous friend Jay that I feel ok today.  She emailed me throughout the day, when I sat teary eyed in front of my computer at my desk.  As I was walking home she put a call in and wouldn't let me speak, she spoke and said I wasn't alone.  It's so nice to be able to not get a word in, to just listen to words of encouragement and to be left thinking about other things to improve my life seeing as I am so unhappy.

I am also blessed to have such an amazing bro, who always puts his own issues aside to give me his own words of encouragement.  Often unbiased advice, it's always something I take on board and I always respect.  

With regards to my post yesterday, I was so, so angry, I had to get it out.  At least it wasn't in front of him and at least I didn't make a fool out of myself by calling him like a psycho and telling him how it is.

I need to let go, I don't know how many more times I can go through another 'break-up' again and another attempt of telling him he needs to let me go.

Over it.

I'm so sick of seeing people together, seeing my friends have babies, eight year wedding anniversaries.

I'm so sick of receiving wedding invites, hearing baby news, women around me with baby bumps.

I'm so sick of being around him when he doesn't want me the same way.

I'm so sick of being reminded of how things used to be.

I'm so sick of just wanting until my gut churns and burns only it never happens.

And I am SO SO sick of my wondering what the fuck is happening with my life.

And why I am just so fucking alone.

Don't snoop! EVER!

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, here I am again.  Heartbroken after spending the last two days with Mister.

I called him last Friday, wanting to see him as that day I did a little snooping around.  I shouldn't have but I did.  It's one of those stupid things you do when you have unanswered questions, and today with information so easily available, I just couldn't help myself.  The other thing is that I am a total glutton for punishment.

A brief history.  He has a 'friend' who lives in the States.  A friend who is female and I have gotten used to her name being brought up around family.  Even when we first met, I saw a photo of them on is myspace page but thought nothing of it.  He brought up when we opened the 'x-files' quite briefly that he had a girlfriend who moved to the states so that's why they're not together.

So I had shared a link with his Mum on FB and wanted to check if it worked as I did it outside of the site and used a shared log-in.  When I went to her page, I saw a post from this girl saying that she missed her.  Yeah I got curious but then never thought of it for awhile.  Until it was his cousin's birthday and I went and posted a message on her wall and there she was posting every other day and I couldn't help but scroll down further and further well into March this year and my heart sank.  She was here is Sydney.

From what I saw in her comments, it looks like she stayed at Mister's parents place when he was still there in between homes.  And from further comments, it looks like they also hooked up when she was here.  Nothing like re-igniting old old flames.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day anxious, and unsure what to think.

I mean, back in March, I was over him, we were not even speaking.  But seeing how she is now so keen in coming back to Sydney. I felt totally insecure.  Especially since we had that initial talk and he didn't want to commit.

I had movies playing in my head of them hooking up, getting back together.  Him saying his I do's to her.  My obsession mode was running at 200% and it wasn't stopping.  I didn't know what to do.

I really do feel this is something I need to bring up with him.  It all made sense now, he did mention going away to the Hunter Valley in March.  Of course it was with her.  His parent's place only has one room with a bed, of course they shared the same bed.

Closure, I need it so bad.  It's getting worse and I just don't know how to deal with it, what to do.  How can a girl, who has been away from his life for so many years can so easily come back to Sydney and hop straight into his bed?  I am confused. So confused.

I spent the last two days dreaming about it, waking up feeling like crap.  Wanting to bring it up but I didn't.

I don't want to find out when she comes back that it will be her that he will choose.

I want to give up

It's coming up to two years now since the break up and I am still hanging on.

I wish that I could give up on him but something won't let me.

It hurts me when I am speaking to him on the phone and he tells me that he is going home because there is nothing else to do and that he is bored.  I wonder why he wouldn't call me then if the reason why he doesn't is because he is too busy.

I am not sure we are on the same page.  More and more I am thinking that he has no intentions at all of giving us another chance that what I am to him is just an easy way to pass the time and an easy phone call to get laid.

I know. I know. I am totally repeating myself.  I must try and try again to stop this stupid thing we have going.

But how can I?  For even if he doesn't feel the same way, the time that I spend with him makes up for all the time I don't spend with him.  Even for one small moment in time in comparison to every other time, I feel wanted and I am not alone.

Is him saying that I am not just a booty call to him just another way of him stringing me along? Him playing games?

Why don't I have the strength to just move on.

I am scared.

Of him being with someone else.  And of me being alone.

Out of Sight Out of Mind

My Bestie told me the best way to forget about Mister is to apply the theory of 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Easier said than done.

A few weekends ago, Mister confirmed to me that he cannot commit, that he doesn't have the mental or physical capacity to be able to spend every spare moment of his time with me.  BUT - I meant more to him than a booty call and that he doesn't know what is going to happen in the future.  That what I am asking of him he will not make a decision on - NOW.

Whatever that is, to me it means he wants his cake and eat it too.  He wants to be able to call me up when he wants (which is not that often seeing as I am doing all of the calling at the moment).

Well I have tried to put into practice this 'Out of Sight, Out of Mind' theory.  And I just keep trying and trying.  I delete all of his emails, his text messages and make plans that won't involve him, but I always come to a situation where I want to call him.

Here are some examples:

1. Great hip hop gig on this Sunday - none of my friends like hip hop except for him
2. I left my keys at home with flatmates not returning home till late - need to kill some time
3. I am thinking of making a few purchases on eBay - I need to ask him some questions
4. I have a voucher for a restaurant near his place - I may as well invite him
5. It's 3am and there are no cabs - I should see if he is up and if I can stay over

I mean, totally ridiculous reasons I know.

Everyday I see another friend getting married or having a baby and I just think to myself 'geez and here I am holding onto a whole lot of freaking garbage that will not give me what i want!'

How do I let go when the feelings don't allow it?

Keep playing these stupid mind games with myself, to-ing and fro-ing of dumb emotions that just won't quit!  It's been nearly two years since the break-up, he has moved on, he has progressed with promotions, a new found independence, new group of friends and just living the dream.

As for me?

We are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

Garbage Re-named

It started off as being light hearted and humorous in my eyes but I don't see it fit to continue calling him 'Garbage' rather I'd like to refer him to his new name... pretty easily re-named to just Mister.

I actually don't know what in the world is happening between me and Mister.  I feel somewhat drawn to him once more.

Dinner now becoming dinners, catch-up to catch-ups.

I am trying not to inject anymore emotion into whatever we are but I can't help it.  But the owner of first moves is not him anymore, it's me.  I am the one that sends him the text asking him what he is doing because I am in the area, asking him if he is free for dinner this week.  But regardless of who calls who, I look forward to seeing him now, whereas before I had a feeling of dread in my stomach.

I actually like being around him and it is fast becoming scary.  I try and remember how much he made me cry and how much he broke my heart but that memory doesn't last for long, as happier memories seem to take over stronger and quicker.  I remember all the nice things he used give me, breakfasts in bed, dinners in bed, conversations in bed that would last for hours and hours.

I am not sure what I am supposed to do right now?