He's back

I think I am back to square one.

It has been hard to avoid all of his calls and texts to meet up for dinner but I gave in and now garbage is back in my life.

I think about him everyday and it has disrupted my world and tipped it upside down, churned it around and dumped it right in the pit of my stomach where I will feel angst all day and night.

I asked him why he has done this as it is not fair on me, in which he replied, "I don't know, I just want you around"

So unfair, to call me as he feels and leave me hanging in which he replied, "I don't even have time for most people and I make time for  you"

I would rather not have this feeling in my stomach just so I could have moment or two of caress, closeness and intimacy.  But I went there and feel punished with the constant feeling of anxiety, unable to do anything but think of him and play in my head, the movie of how I am seeing us in the future.

Geez, I am too old for fantasies when it comes to love, I crave the real thing and have brought up a sense of hope for us again... if only, if only, if only.

Time's ticking away, should I pursue or should I again, once more begin the long winded task of trying to forget, only to receive a phone call once more - because he still wants me in his life.

I wish it would get through to his thick head - I just can't be what he wants me to be - whatever it is that I am to him.

Yours truly,

Miss A.