The apple stays on the tree

Whenever I am presented with temptation I always think of Adam and Eve, and the apple.

I had my second date with the married man.  In between the first and the second date I couldn't stop fantasising about him.  It would take over my day, on the train, during meetings at work, and even in bed, I would think about him and imagine what it would be like to be with him as I fell asleep.

But no matter how much I wanted to dream about him, it would never happen.  Perhaps it was a sign?

On the day that we planned to meet, for some reason something in me clicked, or maybe I had over obsessed to a point where he actually started to turn me off.

I started to think of the negatives, he took me to a place where he said were the best margaritas in the Southern Hemisphere.  He was very wrong.  The margaritas were watery and much too sour.  And then he kept going on and on and on about this one place to get pizza but it shut early during the week and I have heard reports that they have been struggling - probably due to bad positioning and not being able to open at nights.  This restaurant was in a shopping centre, it was not exactly the best spot to be hosting what's meant to be the best pizza in town.  But I trusted him, more so than the margaritas, he was Italian, and he would know best about his home cuisine.

But I guess what really happened was that after the initial cheekiness and naughtiness of it all, the idea of an older married man stopped appealing to me.  I started to look at him differently.  How deceitful he was, how selfish he was behaving and how much I didn't respect him at all.

To top it all off, during our second date at a high end cocktail bar, his arrogance came out.  He wasn't very friendly to the bar tender or the cocktail waitress, and he acted like he was above them.  I noticed another thing, he kept repeating himself and if I didn't start on a new topic, he repeated what he had already told me.  He told me how nice it was to see me again about five or six times.  What happened to the fun night we had initially?  The endless flow of conversation, how easy it was to talk and just be.  Did I really find out all about him in one night?  Was there nothing else he could have brought up or said or told me?  Not even with the decade of living he had ahead of me?

Lack of conversation, his arrogance, how I have come to notice him as being a creature of nature, not living outside the box.  Not deal breaking I know, but after obsessing about him for a week, maybe I just had enough.  He obviously didn't live up to how I imagined him to be.  It was definitely for the better - a grateful gift in disguise.

I made up an excuse, said I had an exhausting day and I really needed to go.  After he suggested to have dinner, I declined and said next time.  He still tried and said one more drink at another bar, but I still said no.  I had made up my mind and wanted to get out of there as soon as I can.

I politely went to the ladies and returned the Candidate's missed call I saw on my phone earlier on.  He offered to come and pick me up from my 'work drinks' and I accepted.  It was raining heavily after all.

I promised the married guy I would make it up to him, and that next time we would have the best fun and I would not be so tired.  When I kissed him goodbye on the cheek, the thought of having to kiss his other cheek, the second kiss, was grossing me out.  I couldn't believe how fast and what a u-turn I had made with how I felt about him.  You can't really help your feelings, and I even though I was glad it ended up this way, I still don't know how I came to these emotions so suddenly after a week of day dreams and smiles.

That night I stopped obsessing.  And I think he got the message also.  I still think of him at times, but I am happy I never picked that apple.

Boys, boys, boys

I must say getting attention from boys gives me the warm and fuzzies.  I mean I'm not in love, far from it.  But I have come a long way from feeling so unwanted and ugly at one point in my life to finding a new confidence within myself.

I'm glad I don't walk around hating myself anymore, and I look forward to my every day.  No I haven't lost the ten kilos I want to lose, and I am still paying off a painful debt and I sometimes I do think about how old I am getting, but it is bearable nowadays.  You could say that I have finally broken away from the clutches of Mister and his games.

It was so obvious to everyone around me but of course not obvious to me, clutching onto the strands of what could've been with him.  

He has been calling and texting me, it has stopped now and I think it was because he got the message.  He has been wanting to catch up and even one night was really forward asking me if I was keen for 'snuggles'.  I ignored the text and said the next day I was asleep.  After the third or fourth decline there has been silence from him, and I haven't heard from him now in days.

I think about being with him again and to my surprise I don't feel any desire to, I can finally say that I am no longer attracted to him! Finally.....

The Candidate.  Bless his cotton socks, he is so cute, but really just a boy.  He sends me adorable texts that make me laugh, and he shows interest in catching up, but again I have been busy.  It's my new thing - friends and me time first, boys later.  I have found in the past I have always wanted to rush things, I would always think, 'quick, quick' all the time but have realised I just need to slow down.  Just because you slept with him last night doesn't mean he will text or call the next day.  Newly found dating training.

Over mojitos by Circular Quay one sunny Sunday afternoon, a friend told me about this phone app that connects you with boys.  It took me less than a minute to sign up and upload a pic from my phone and away I went.  I became pretty obsessed initially, on the phone just chatting to whoever, and the choice not to respond once boredom set in. 

It may not even eventuate to anything at all, but I consider this as practice.  I've never been one to flirt with boys or even be able to speak to random boys in a social setting so I suppose starting off with phone chat is like baby steps to make me more sociable.

At the moment,  I'm just after a bit of fun and flirting is fun.

Reconnecting

One side of my heart kept telling me it was a big mistake but the other side of my heart was telling me I can do it, and out of curiosity, I needed to know if he would reply and talk to me.

That's right, so Mister returns once more and is back in my life again.  This is probably a big disaster waiting to happen and goes to show how I either need drama in my life or I am a glutton for punishment.

To think how hard it was to actually get myself to stop thinking about him, two shags, a pash and a random phone number later, he crept back into my mind but thankfully the door to my heart is still firmly locked.

I now approach this situation with caution.  He wanted to catch up one night but I said I was heading home, in which he then asked what I was doing because he was bored, but I didn't reply.

Yesterday he sent me another text, asking if I wanted to catch up.  I sent a reply asking him if he sent that message to me by mistake.  So we met up for dinner, didn't speak about what happened when we stopped talking, instead we just picked up where we last left off, as if nothing had happened in between and it was just time that had passed between us.

After dinner, he started to head towards his place, I stopped and said I was going home.  He seemed surprised and casually said 'boring'.  I guess he thought I would automatically want to head back to his place, chill out, talk and eventually just fall into each others arms and end up in bed having sex.  Even though it could very well have not been the case, I didn't want to leave it up to chance.

The big question is why.  Why did I end up sending him an email reconnecting after so many months?
I was doing so well.

Since the departure of Mr Sexting from my life, the closure of my online dating profile (too many weirdos), and my need to stay in to save money, the pool has once again dried up.  And with one particular 'candidate' left on the scene, this candidate has not 'performed' or acted in the way that I find is enough for me.  Yes sure enough he seems keen, but I don't hear from him unless I text him first, or if I wait, my stomach will just end up in knots waiting and waiting so I, most of the time, will end up texting and casually asking him how he is.

That leaves candidate and Mister on the scene, and with candidate being quiet on his end, and Mister wanting to catch up, I suppose that's the reason why I said yes.

And today I think to myself that maybe I need to once again put myself out there in the online space, but with Mr Sexting being active on the two big sites, I dare not make myself public to his eyes.

Sigh.

What to do. I want to text the candidate but a part of me needs to know if he is indeed truly interested.
So I'm trying to play by 'The Rules'.

And The Rules really suck.