Bad Hair Night

It was hard to accept but I had one of those nights.

As I was preparing to meet up with Cuz for a bite and a few glasses of wine in Neutral Bay, I didn't think to do my hair, rather it was just tied up.  I did however go a little heavier on the eye liner giving myself a little taste of mod, printed knitted dress and high heeled suede boots.

Cuz then decides she would like to go out after dinner and I thought to do the same.  So we drove home to drop the car off and also perform a quick outfit change.

I found a black glittery dress in my wardrobe which I haven't worn for awhile. It was a shift dress that had a scoop neck.  I had imagined looking like Serena Van Der Woodsen from Gossip Girl.  I looked in my long mirror and topped with some high heeled ankle boots, hair up and black lined eyes I thought I looked quite chic, quite New York.

Cuz then came into my room, little shorts on, high heeled pumps finished with a furry vest, very cute and looking super hot.  We both left and as we walked out of our foyer, I caught myself in the mirror and knew straight away the dress was a bad choice.  I didn't look anywhere close to Serena Van Der Woodsen at all, rather I looked like a glittered version of Sponge Bob.

Over at Cherry whilst sipping on my usual Tommy's margarita, I didn't feel the vibe.  I felt frumpy next to Cuz, my legs where twice the size of hers, and I felt like an elephant next to the petite ball of hotness sitting next to me.  The guy that came up to her and interrupted our conversation by saying how pretty she was didn't even know I was there.  Usually a guy would talk to both girls if there's only two, acknowledge and introduce himself to both but nope, I didn't even exist to him.

The DJ played a track that I really loved.  I went up to him, smiled, and maybe even flirted a little.  Told him it was a top track, an awesome tune, and all I got was the cold shoulder.  A nod and a look that said 'you weirdo'.  I went back to the bar, a little uncomfortable, a lot fatter than I felt, and definitely a lot older.

I then started to feel ancient.  Like a cougar that forgot how to dress, an old lady trying to behave young but was just so out of place.  It was a horrid place to be.  I kept drinking but I couldn't even feel tipsy, feel the effects of anything other than disgust at my horrible choice in dress, and the way I have been acting.

That night I didnt have my mojo, I started to feel extremely uneasy, crappy, and really felt my age, and totally out of place.  There I was, an oldie in a place full of beautiful girls with hot bodies, flawless skin and gorgeous looks.  I then started feeling jealous of them all and wished so much I too could be ten years younger, and why didn't I live the way I am living now ten years ago.  I wasted so much of my life in the bedroom, a recluse. (That is a whole other story)

I was glad to call it a night, to just head home and go to bed and take that wretched dress off and dump it in a corner.

At the end of it all, the dress went into a clothing donation bag.

The power of clothing and make-up and actually putting in some effort.  Because if you feel good about yourself, you will give off the same energy and confidence.

Lesson learnt - the dress hung in my wardrobe for over a year without being worn for a reason.  Last time I wore it, I remember now.  I felt exactly the same way.

Still in my twenties

I don't believe I act my age, I certainly don't feel my age.  I know friends and family who are younger than me, already settled, kids, mortgages, money in the bank, superannuation growing.  I on the other hand have none of those and I go out with my cuz who is ten years younger than me, behaving like I'm in my twenties.  Maybe for now I can get away with it, but for how much longer?  When I was bar tending I used to look at 'older' ladies - and I mean in their forties behaving like they are twenty something and it just looked tacky.  Back then I thought that, but now I see myself becoming one of those ladies in the near future.

Take one night at Ivy for instance.  Feeling rather happy after dinner at Uccello's, a brief stint at Pool Club, we went up to Ivy.  Talent was in abundance there that night.  I went up to one guy and immediately started pashing him.  His friend cheered him on and I carried on dancing.  I always wanted to kiss a nerdy guy unawares, and I did it that night. Tick.

Before I knew it I was dancing arm in arm with another guy.  I looked at him and smiled.  His body was hot, he had abs like bricks and I bent down and bit it.  Why? I don't know.  Ask the vodka and shot of tequila.  I then asked him if he was gay.  I think he got offended but I don't even know why I asked him that.  He said no.  So I said "prove it and kiss me".  There I went again, kissing him in the middle of the dance floor.  Nerdy guy in the background and I think Nerdy guy's friend was dry humping me but I wasn't sure, it was packed with people.  But then Mr. Abs, he left, I wasn't sure why.  Probably had to do with me being stupid.

Off I went dancing again and I saw the DJ's playing on a stage.  Whatever possessed me then, I jumped up on stage and started dancing.  It was short lived and I got told to get off by security but it was a fun filled three seconds of fame.

The night ended with a quarter pounder and two servings of fries.

A typically fun night for an early twenty something.

I try and tell myself to just keep having fun and I am.  Enjoying single life is fun.  But I do think of wanting something more.

When I am throwing up in the morning, when I am so hungover I can't move, all I really want is for someone to stroke my forehead and bring me a glass of icey cold water.

Getting Older

I'd never thought I would see the day when I would look at others around me and think to myself 'where did my life go?'

It's a scary thing looking at the the other side of 30, thinking to myself 'goodness 40 is just SO old'.
I try and make myself feel better about it but I don't, it doesn't work, alcohol and partying is only temporary.

It's so hard nowadays to go out and feel so much older, I look at others around me and wish for my own youth back, and how I if I could live it again I would do it so differently.

I look at my friends, nearly 10 years younger, but they are my friends who I confide in, who I get along with, and who are also budding artists, film makers, editors and lawyers.  Then I look at me.  10 years ago I didn't achieve and hadn't achieved as much as my younger friends and think have I really wasted my chance and opportunity of making it in the world?

Yes I have travelled, lived and loved but what of achievement? Personal goals, career and material status, a house, a family of my own and a bank account with savings?

That I have none of.  I still live day to day, I still plan an overseas trip every year and I still look forward to the weekend like most twenty somethings do.

I try and not get myself down thinking about it but it's so hard - DAMMIT - it's REALLY hard.

I think of how many years left before there would be no chance of me meeting someone, having a family, or even how much time I have left to save up superannuation.... not that many.

I used to think that I would be ok.  That everything would work out in the end, but I don't really believe that now.  Instead I am not sure what I believe in, I am grasping onto anything that would make me feel young, only it would leave me empty and depressed and hate how everything just passes and I just get older and older.