Getting Older

I'd never thought I would see the day when I would look at others around me and think to myself 'where did my life go?'

It's a scary thing looking at the the other side of 30, thinking to myself 'goodness 40 is just SO old'.
I try and make myself feel better about it but I don't, it doesn't work, alcohol and partying is only temporary.

It's so hard nowadays to go out and feel so much older, I look at others around me and wish for my own youth back, and how I if I could live it again I would do it so differently.

I look at my friends, nearly 10 years younger, but they are my friends who I confide in, who I get along with, and who are also budding artists, film makers, editors and lawyers.  Then I look at me.  10 years ago I didn't achieve and hadn't achieved as much as my younger friends and think have I really wasted my chance and opportunity of making it in the world?

Yes I have travelled, lived and loved but what of achievement? Personal goals, career and material status, a house, a family of my own and a bank account with savings?

That I have none of.  I still live day to day, I still plan an overseas trip every year and I still look forward to the weekend like most twenty somethings do.

I try and not get myself down thinking about it but it's so hard - DAMMIT - it's REALLY hard.

I think of how many years left before there would be no chance of me meeting someone, having a family, or even how much time I have left to save up superannuation.... not that many.

I used to think that I would be ok.  That everything would work out in the end, but I don't really believe that now.  Instead I am not sure what I believe in, I am grasping onto anything that would make me feel young, only it would leave me empty and depressed and hate how everything just passes and I just get older and older.