Reluctantly she let's him go

He took the last straw this weekend that just past.  It came to a point where I could not justify myself putting so much energy and thought into him.  I kept telling myself he is 28.  When I was 28 I didn't know what I wanted either.  All I cared about were my friends and making sure I didn't miss out on anything social.  I went to every party I was invited to, and every gig, every festival and every shin dig both big and small - even if I didn't really know the hosts.  I just didn't want to miss out.

Last night when I didn't even get a reply, not even to say he didn't feel like leaving his house or making plans, I knew it was it.  I could not put myself through another bout of depression, anxiety and disappointment. Enough was enough.

I am still confused as to why and how someone could be so unreliable, with such lack of respect for other people, or maybe it is just me he is doing this to.  He knows how I feel about him so he takes it for granted, knowing I will always welcome him back with open arms.

So many times I wanted to text him today and I didn't.  Every time my phone vibrated, I always wished it was him.

But I know this.  I need to believe that I can get through this.  I feel like I am going through a break up even though we never even really had anything to break up with in the first place.

The knots in my belly, the burning deep within my guts, it's not as bad as the day before, and tomorrow and even the next day, I know it will gradually subside.

I am sighing inside me.  Oh well.

Hey.  Yes, I find you very hot, your blue eyes amazing, your abs delicious.  But I don't deserve to be treated like I don't matter to you, someone that can be ignored or spoken to when it suits you, you have treated my time with such disrespect and with no consideration at all.  No matter how much I like you as a person, how much I think we get along, how much we have in common, and how my feelings for you have been so strong, I just have to believe you took me for granted.  You don't deserve me at all.  I gave you so many chances, more than I have with anyone else.  But I need to stay true to me and so with this I will have to say, see you later my little hottie.  

Love frustrated

Can I be in love when all I feel is a big twist in my belly.  How can I love somebody that continues to lead me on, play hot then cold?  Maybe I don't know how I feel.

He continues to play me, want to make plans but not make them true, leave me waiting around, frustrated and angry.

How can I let someone treat me like this, and yet still feel so strongly for him.  And every time he sends me a text, all is forgiven again.

I wish so much for him to send me texts again telling me he misses me, he can't wait to see me and how much he likes being with me.

Or is it just a game to him?  Is he leaving options, not putting all eggs in one basket?  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.  And how I don't believe what he says to me isn't true.

When I saw him last night, he kissed me quickly on the cheek, and wanted to go home.  Why didn't he invite me back with him?  Why didn't he kiss me on the lips?

He suggested we do something today.  And when I texted him asking if he wanted to meet up, he didn't reply.

Left waiting once again.

If only I could figure out why I am so attracted to him when he doesn't treat me right, why I can't seem to get him out of my head when he just calls me on his terms, and why I have such strong feelings from him when I don't even know where I stand with him.

Love.  It confuses me.  I used to think it could only be love if it was mutual.  But maybe it can be different.

Love.  It damn well confuses me and tips my world upside down.

It really is a mystery.

Obsessed

It's not everyday you meet someone who could be your soul mate.  Someone who you instantly connect with and can tell all your dark secrets too without hesitation.  Someone who understands you, read you like a book, and in an instant know that you want him to stay forever more.  Someone who you can just melt into, drift away and also someone that can bring out the best and the worst in you.

It's only happened once or twice in my life and in recent weeks I met another possible soul mate of mine.  We talked and laughed and I could not believe how much we got along and connected, intellectually, physically, mentally, every bit of me, and us just connected.

When we both went back to our own homes after our first date, he sent me a text admitting how much he liked me, how much fun he had and I smiled.  Finally? I thought.  I was scared to fantasise but I couldn't help it.

We met up again, he came over, and we hung out in my room for a few hours.  He told me again how much he liked me and asked me what I thought of him.  I told him the truth, I said he was very young (28) but I did like him a lot also.

The next time we made plans to meet, I waited around in the city.  6pm went, no calls or texts, then 8pm then 9pm.  I sent him a text saying I was going home.  I called him when I was at home and he didn't answer.  I was devastated and hoped nothing was wrong but I was also so so confused.

The next morning he sent me a text saying how sorry he was.  And then he called and I forgave him, he promised it wouldn't happen again.  And we made plans to meet up that night.
When I finished work I texted and called again.  No answer.

I went out, got drunk, got wasted. And yet I still called him and texted. And he still didn't reply.

The next day, still intoxicated I called him again.  He said 'hi' like everything was ok and nothing happened.  He wanted to meet up later on.  I didn't believe him so I went to sleep off my hangover.  Later in the afternoon he did come over and we hung out again.  He asked me if I was mad he didn't call me.  I said I was pretty easy going.  And that was all was said about the matter.  It was a state of bliss.  I loved every bit of him being with me.

When he left that night he told me he would call me the next day to plan a date.  The same thing happened the next day.  Stood up again.  I then flipped.

I bought 3 bottles of wine, 2 pizzas and a pasta and got drunk again.  I started sending him psycho texts out of rage.  Ones that included lines such as 'I thought we had a mutual understanding that we liked each other', 'Are you just playing the field', 'Please can we talk about this', 'Why don't you come over and hang out', 'What did I do wrong?', 'I'm drunk, I like you too much', 'You're awesome fun to hang out with'.

It carried on for days until finally he responded with 'I have been wanting to see you, but your texts freaked me out a bit'.

All was forgiven.  And he wanted to see me again.

Then that night it happened again.  He blocked me from an online chat and I flipped once more.  'WTF did I do?', 'Can we sort this out?', 'What happened? Are you mad at me'.  The texts were needy, desperate, the 12am calls went unanswered.

I saw myself obsessed with this guy, confused, outraged at his behaviour.  How can someone treat me so bad, yet all I want is for him to want me and only me in his life.  Such desperation, panic that he probably thought I was crazy.

The next day, after an apologetic text and the reassurance that he still wanted to see me, all was forgiven again.

We made plans to meet up that Saturday night.

Friday night I was just chilling at home when he called wanting to come over.  Booty call.
Me in my drunken state agreed and he came over.  The next morning he said he would come back in the afternoon.  We made plans to have pizza and have a few drinks.

Later that evening, my calls and texts went unanswered and I was home alone again waiting for him.

The next day I received a text. 'Hey.'
I asked him what happened to him and he didn't reply.

The next few days, I would get random texts from him asking me how was I was, and it would always end with a standoffish 'I'm good', 'At basketball'.

I got back online, and started to look around again.  Keep myself occupied and try to forget.
And today I get another text, 'Hey how are you?'.
After a few more texts with no direction, I asked him if he was busy tonight and if he would like to grab a margarita.
No reply.

A few hours later, I noticed he checked my profile.

In the words of Johnny Cash 'And it burns, burns, burns'
My whole inside was burning up.  Rage, disappointment, anger, sadness.

I need to get him out of my head, out of my life.
It's so hard to let go when you think you meet someone who just gets you.  I didn't have to explain myself to him, nor him to me.  We just became.

Or so I thought.  He is obviously playing the field and nothing more.  I don't understand how his actions could be a big act.  He seemed so genuine to me.

All my friends tell me he's no good but yet how can I want him so so much.

I'm trying to just let go.  But half of my heart just keeps looking at my phone hoping to reconnect.
Deep down it won't happen but I wish so much my deep down instinct is wrong.

Let go. Let go.  He is only 28.  Just a boy. Not ready. Scared of my being so full on.

Just a player.

I need to chill the F out. Breath. Move on and let him go.