Boys, boys, boys

I must say getting attention from boys gives me the warm and fuzzies.  I mean I'm not in love, far from it.  But I have come a long way from feeling so unwanted and ugly at one point in my life to finding a new confidence within myself.

I'm glad I don't walk around hating myself anymore, and I look forward to my every day.  No I haven't lost the ten kilos I want to lose, and I am still paying off a painful debt and I sometimes I do think about how old I am getting, but it is bearable nowadays.  You could say that I have finally broken away from the clutches of Mister and his games.

It was so obvious to everyone around me but of course not obvious to me, clutching onto the strands of what could've been with him.  

He has been calling and texting me, it has stopped now and I think it was because he got the message.  He has been wanting to catch up and even one night was really forward asking me if I was keen for 'snuggles'.  I ignored the text and said the next day I was asleep.  After the third or fourth decline there has been silence from him, and I haven't heard from him now in days.

I think about being with him again and to my surprise I don't feel any desire to, I can finally say that I am no longer attracted to him! Finally.....

The Candidate.  Bless his cotton socks, he is so cute, but really just a boy.  He sends me adorable texts that make me laugh, and he shows interest in catching up, but again I have been busy.  It's my new thing - friends and me time first, boys later.  I have found in the past I have always wanted to rush things, I would always think, 'quick, quick' all the time but have realised I just need to slow down.  Just because you slept with him last night doesn't mean he will text or call the next day.  Newly found dating training.

Over mojitos by Circular Quay one sunny Sunday afternoon, a friend told me about this phone app that connects you with boys.  It took me less than a minute to sign up and upload a pic from my phone and away I went.  I became pretty obsessed initially, on the phone just chatting to whoever, and the choice not to respond once boredom set in. 

It may not even eventuate to anything at all, but I consider this as practice.  I've never been one to flirt with boys or even be able to speak to random boys in a social setting so I suppose starting off with phone chat is like baby steps to make me more sociable.

At the moment,  I'm just after a bit of fun and flirting is fun.

Reconnecting

One side of my heart kept telling me it was a big mistake but the other side of my heart was telling me I can do it, and out of curiosity, I needed to know if he would reply and talk to me.

That's right, so Mister returns once more and is back in my life again.  This is probably a big disaster waiting to happen and goes to show how I either need drama in my life or I am a glutton for punishment.

To think how hard it was to actually get myself to stop thinking about him, two shags, a pash and a random phone number later, he crept back into my mind but thankfully the door to my heart is still firmly locked.

I now approach this situation with caution.  He wanted to catch up one night but I said I was heading home, in which he then asked what I was doing because he was bored, but I didn't reply.

Yesterday he sent me another text, asking if I wanted to catch up.  I sent a reply asking him if he sent that message to me by mistake.  So we met up for dinner, didn't speak about what happened when we stopped talking, instead we just picked up where we last left off, as if nothing had happened in between and it was just time that had passed between us.

After dinner, he started to head towards his place, I stopped and said I was going home.  He seemed surprised and casually said 'boring'.  I guess he thought I would automatically want to head back to his place, chill out, talk and eventually just fall into each others arms and end up in bed having sex.  Even though it could very well have not been the case, I didn't want to leave it up to chance.

The big question is why.  Why did I end up sending him an email reconnecting after so many months?
I was doing so well.

Since the departure of Mr Sexting from my life, the closure of my online dating profile (too many weirdos), and my need to stay in to save money, the pool has once again dried up.  And with one particular 'candidate' left on the scene, this candidate has not 'performed' or acted in the way that I find is enough for me.  Yes sure enough he seems keen, but I don't hear from him unless I text him first, or if I wait, my stomach will just end up in knots waiting and waiting so I, most of the time, will end up texting and casually asking him how he is.

That leaves candidate and Mister on the scene, and with candidate being quiet on his end, and Mister wanting to catch up, I suppose that's the reason why I said yes.

And today I think to myself that maybe I need to once again put myself out there in the online space, but with Mr Sexting being active on the two big sites, I dare not make myself public to his eyes.

Sigh.

What to do. I want to text the candidate but a part of me needs to know if he is indeed truly interested.
So I'm trying to play by 'The Rules'.

And The Rules really suck.

Sayonara Soft Lips

Part 2.

I remember his lips being really soft, I was pleasantly surprised, his kisses were close to magical.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again, I guess initially I did, but I was just busy, my days were always filled and I just couldn't see him.

But there came a point when he started to beg.

"Please can I see you"
"I want you so bad"
"Please can I fuck you"

So I agreed, and replied with "drinks and food this Thursday?"

I guess I always believe in people, believe that there are always good intentions and there is good in them.

He replied with "I wish you would just call me to come over when you are feeling playful"

I concluded that he didn't really want to get to know me in the end.  He just wanted a fuck, he wanted to jump my bones and I told him.

He told me that I am so hot, gorgeous and why wouldn't he. Sigh.  Some guys just don't get it.  Or maybe it is just him.

There is always something wrong with the ones you meet online and that I believe.

I had another guy who seemed nice, 'normal' and we had planned to meet.  And again I had been busy initially but agreed to catch up with him after a dinner with a friend.

He then told me that my bum was in trouble.

I think I gasped, but I wrote back with it being a no go zone.

"That's a bummer" he replied.

And then he deleted me off Facebook.

I laughed.

Seriously? Are guys really that interested in going to places where poo comes out?

Apparently if a girl agrees, it's a gesture of giving her all to him, and that it must be love.

Back to Mr. Sexting - well he continued for another week or two, I told him how it was, how he seemed so uninterested until now.  And I asked him why.  He said he was too busy at the end of the year.
But seriously? Not even one drink when he came to collect his jacket?

He got the message, earlier this week, my Facebook friends fell by another one,  I was deleted from his books.

I did feel a little pang, as inappropriate as he was at the best of times, the attention he gave me, the compliments I got, the knowing how much someone wanted to be with me did give me a feel good rush before the gross-ness set itself in.