Melbourne - love this town

Happy Friday and thank goodness it's here!! Start of the weekend and away from this hell-hole called 'my work' for two days.

I seriously cannot stand my boss anymore, I have never met such an erratic, control freak and bull-crapper before in my life!! What a big mistake I made taking this stupid job that was only ever good for the first month.

Back to happier things.  One of the nicer part of my job is to be able to work on fun accounts.  As a part of that I got to head over to Melbourne for the day.  I flew in on Wednesday night and got to meet up with my bestie.

We went to a warehouse party hosted by a tequila brand so free food and drinks until midnight.  Love this town.  On entry it was much like a party you would go to in New York. Though now that I know that Mister's ex-comeback-fling lives in New Jersey, the thought of New York makes me cringe.

Next stop was a fantastic bar called Black Pearl.  At midnight on a Wednesday come Thursday it was already vibing and getting busier as the minutes ticked by.  As the door kept opening and the bar filled up more and more, I confirmed to myself that Melbourne talent is definitely better than Sydney talent.  The crowd all had an artistic edge to them, the vibe was nowhere near as pretentious as some bars in Sydney and I am just loving Melbourne more and more.

I had a tinge of regret, I tried to make the move to Melbourne two years ago and it lasted not even a week.  All thanks to Mister, he has been such a burden to my emotions and yet I STILL can't stop thinking about him and wondering what he is up to ... even today.

I was sad to leave Melbourne, my bestie and her hubbie have such a great set of friends, they catch up so often and they are like a big family.  I find it so hard to do it here.  If I catch up with friends I make plans for at least a week or two away.  Another thing that I love is that everyone knows everyone in their social circle, what is missing here is that.  I catch up with friends only to find out they haven't seen other mutual friends in ages or it was a few months ago.

Can't wait to head back.  If only I didn't have a new found addiction to ASOS, I would be back there in a heartbeat.

gosh - what am I becoming?

I was thinking this morning about this blog and what it is turning into.  I definitely don't want this little space of mine to become a whiny spot and my lack of focus with other things so positive in my life and me leading me into this whiny person.

So this morning, a new perspective, to try and be positive and not focus so much on whining about Mister or the lack of him in my life.  To not mention the fact that I am single and hating it but single and loving life.

I sorta think that this new perspective with my words and thinking will eventually become reality and that is what I need to believe.  What I am doing at the moment is not working and I guess you all know that.

So ... I have made plans:

1. Make a date with my foodie buddies

2. Go for a night out with my awesome friend Jay

3. Make another date with the currently very busy Smiz who I am missing dearly

4. A catch up with my bestie in Melbourne tonight - even though I get in so late

5. Get a hair cut

And I guess now that I have made a concrete list - I can't go back on my word. 

x

Hello - is it me you're looking for?

I just can't shake it.  Everywhere I turn there is someone pregnant or someone getting married or someone getting a promotion.

Is this what it feels like to be stuck in a rut?  Is Sydney the rut I need to get out of?

I know I haven't been at my job for that long but I am already feeling so unhappy.  I wonder if my line of work is for me.  I don't know how much more I can stand of the micro-managing, the controlling, the psychotic behaviour of a small business owner freak.  A week spent on arguing over the size of a headline font with the client could have been better spent on working and growing other clients and getting other jobs over the line.  That is how this controlling CEO behaves.  And then suddenly he will change his mind again and again and again and again.  If I should send something to the client I will get in trouble and if I don't I also get in trouble.  I truly believe he thinks that people can read his mind.

And then there is the situation of Mister.  He drives me insane when he calls and when he doesn't.  He drives me even further up the wall when he doesn't answer my text messages.  I know I am not supposed to call him and I am trying so, so, so hard not to, but alas I am not so strong willed.  I confronted him about that girl who he caught up with, in which he replied 'don't believe what your mind is telling you, it angers you' though didn't reply to me saying 'i try, but it's hard when you see stuff you don't want to see'

I nearly made it to a week without contact.  Next week maybe I will aim for two weeks.

And then there is my constant wondering.  Who else is out there for me?  Many people have said to me that you don't have one great love, that there are many.  But what of time catching up with you?
Getting older and everyone you see seems to just get younger.

What am I to do?

I still dream of meeting someone on the train, being bumped on the street, baskets clinking in the aisle of a supermarket or just sharing the same love for cheese at the growers markets.

Or do I just have to accept what is reality? Online dating, speed dating, singles nights and tacky bars and pubs?  Even so I have done all of it and received one night with an arrogant Italian and his small penis.

Alright, calm down love.

I'm so lucky to have friends who care.  

It is because of my gorgeous friend Jay that I feel ok today.  She emailed me throughout the day, when I sat teary eyed in front of my computer at my desk.  As I was walking home she put a call in and wouldn't let me speak, she spoke and said I wasn't alone.  It's so nice to be able to not get a word in, to just listen to words of encouragement and to be left thinking about other things to improve my life seeing as I am so unhappy.

I am also blessed to have such an amazing bro, who always puts his own issues aside to give me his own words of encouragement.  Often unbiased advice, it's always something I take on board and I always respect.  

With regards to my post yesterday, I was so, so angry, I had to get it out.  At least it wasn't in front of him and at least I didn't make a fool out of myself by calling him like a psycho and telling him how it is.

I need to let go, I don't know how many more times I can go through another 'break-up' again and another attempt of telling him he needs to let me go.

Over it.

I'm so sick of seeing people together, seeing my friends have babies, eight year wedding anniversaries.

I'm so sick of receiving wedding invites, hearing baby news, women around me with baby bumps.

I'm so sick of being around him when he doesn't want me the same way.

I'm so sick of being reminded of how things used to be.

I'm so sick of just wanting until my gut churns and burns only it never happens.

And I am SO SO sick of my wondering what the fuck is happening with my life.

And why I am just so fucking alone.

Don't snoop! EVER!

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, here I am again.  Heartbroken after spending the last two days with Mister.

I called him last Friday, wanting to see him as that day I did a little snooping around.  I shouldn't have but I did.  It's one of those stupid things you do when you have unanswered questions, and today with information so easily available, I just couldn't help myself.  The other thing is that I am a total glutton for punishment.

A brief history.  He has a 'friend' who lives in the States.  A friend who is female and I have gotten used to her name being brought up around family.  Even when we first met, I saw a photo of them on is myspace page but thought nothing of it.  He brought up when we opened the 'x-files' quite briefly that he had a girlfriend who moved to the states so that's why they're not together.

So I had shared a link with his Mum on FB and wanted to check if it worked as I did it outside of the site and used a shared log-in.  When I went to her page, I saw a post from this girl saying that she missed her.  Yeah I got curious but then never thought of it for awhile.  Until it was his cousin's birthday and I went and posted a message on her wall and there she was posting every other day and I couldn't help but scroll down further and further well into March this year and my heart sank.  She was here is Sydney.

From what I saw in her comments, it looks like she stayed at Mister's parents place when he was still there in between homes.  And from further comments, it looks like they also hooked up when she was here.  Nothing like re-igniting old old flames.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day anxious, and unsure what to think.

I mean, back in March, I was over him, we were not even speaking.  But seeing how she is now so keen in coming back to Sydney. I felt totally insecure.  Especially since we had that initial talk and he didn't want to commit.

I had movies playing in my head of them hooking up, getting back together.  Him saying his I do's to her.  My obsession mode was running at 200% and it wasn't stopping.  I didn't know what to do.

I really do feel this is something I need to bring up with him.  It all made sense now, he did mention going away to the Hunter Valley in March.  Of course it was with her.  His parent's place only has one room with a bed, of course they shared the same bed.

Closure, I need it so bad.  It's getting worse and I just don't know how to deal with it, what to do.  How can a girl, who has been away from his life for so many years can so easily come back to Sydney and hop straight into his bed?  I am confused. So confused.

I spent the last two days dreaming about it, waking up feeling like crap.  Wanting to bring it up but I didn't.

I don't want to find out when she comes back that it will be her that he will choose.

Respect

I wonder if some people realise if they are being impolite to others.

The other night my auntie and uncle came over (my cousin's parents) to drop off a package for her.  They actually live around 30 - 40 minutes away from us so it is a bit of a drive.

When they came in, they parked in our car park in which my cuz's BF had let them in via our swipe card.

So when they wanted to leave, they would need to be accompanied out to the gates to be swiped out again.

As my aunt and uncle stood up and said let's go,

BF said to me: "can you let them out"
I said: "why?!"
BF said: "because we are eating"
Cuz said: .... [there was nothing said, she was silent]

I got up in a huff to let them out and shook my head.  Not that I minded taking them out, more so I was furious at how rude he was towards them.

It was rude that my cousin didn't say anything and didn't even get up to let them out and put her bowl down for a few minutes.

And it was VERY rude of BF to say out loud he didn't want to take them out because they were eating.

Me being so angry, I just went straight into my room when I got back.  I feel I should say something though, when I see them together this week at some point.

I don't understand how people can be so rude especially when it's family.  Too busy stuffing their face to even get up off the lounge to say goodbye properly.

I really don't understand how they didn't realise what they did was so disrespectful!

And now this is going to come out like I am really old but,

Kids of today! Sheesh!!

Respect - when it comes to family that's where it's at.