Taken

There was something very important that I didn't know about my date last week.

I may have had a hunch but I didn't read his profile so I didn't know.

We met up in Surry Hills, when he saw me he stood up and gave me an European kiss hello.

As we sat down for a margarita, I was instantly drawn to him, he's a lot older but yet he still made me laugh.  We talked about anything and everything ranging from fashion to politics to religion and philosophy.

When we left and went walking on the street he held out his arm so that I could hold onto it, he saw me in heels, and he made sure I didn't trip.  He opened the passenger door before his and shut the door for me before heading over to the drivers seat.

When was the last time someone did that for me? Maybe when I pulled up outside the casino, or greeted at a five start hotel or fine dining restaurant, but never on a date.

But then he told me the news. And my hunch was right.  He had a wife and a son at home.  From that point I didn't know what to say.  Rather just blurted, 'what are you doing out with me then?'

Whatever was going on with him at home, the truth, perhaps he didn't tell.  He said home was like living with his best friend, and that they had both lost the spark in their relationship but needed to keep the family unit together for their son.

However, I still felt a strong attraction to him, his accent, they way he presented himself, dressed and walked.  When we sat on a lounge sipping wine, I could feel the heat between us, and I felt comfortable leaning ever so slightly by him, barely touching as I kept my cool and just carried on with conversation.  Inside I just kept thinking that this was a bad idea but why am I so excited by it all?

Then back at home I couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to be with him, not so much that he was married but more so that he was older.  There was a different kind of presence about him from the other guys I have recently met up with.  It felt like he was established, knew what he wanted, with life experiences - he could pretty much do whatever he wanted.

I think that's what I was drawn to.  It wasn't about trying to get somewhere, it wasn't about big life plans or career goals, or even having no goals at all.  It was like there was no sense of wonder, he already knew who he was.

That was I got out of the few hours we spent together anyway.

So we said bye, no late night pash, no sneaky hands exploring each other in a quiet, dark street.  Rather I think it would be safer to leave all of that stored in my imagination.

This could never work out.  Even if I did go there and end up being with him, only once, I dread to think how I would feel afterwards.  Would I feel guilty? Or would I just feel like I would want more, to see him again?

Now I know what it's like to be presented with the forbidden fruit.  Having to decide between what is the right thing to do and not knowing really if it is the right thing or not.  It's true it's not right in society's eyes, but what about being true to what feels right between two people?