Who let the boobs out?

New outfit on and standing in front of the full length mirror in my room, I said to my bestie "geez look at my cans".

I don't really know how it happened but I am sure they would give any D cup a run for their money.  Normally a B to C cup every other day, that night they just about exploded out of my dress.  I am just thinking "damn girl - what happened?"

My bestie said " just enjoy it  - they look good"

So for one night, thank fully one night only, I was decked out with a larger than normal set of girls, ready to flaunt them out with my new Ted Baker dress.

I remember when my cuz told me she got fitted properly at the underwear section at Myer and was told she was a DD.  I instantly said to her she could've never been a C.  She was indeed devastated, but I said to her there is nothing wrong with being a DD, at least you are not squeezing yourself into a C cup when you are not!

A post about boobs, I know.  For one night and one night only, I actually felt I could rock my girls out and boy was it fun.

I felt a little uncomfortable though, being able to notice my chest in front of me, and actually a little glad that they went back to normal the next day.

How freaky.  Big boobs for one night only.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Starstruck by Leonardo

It's kind of weird seeing an A-List celeb in real life.  Especially when they just look and act like a normal everyday person.  That was the case anyway with Leonardo Dicaprio.

The first time I saw him at Cherry he came by himself surrounded by body guards and sat in a reserved area by a corner spending the whole time on his phone.  There were others around him but he didn't really talk to anyone.

I was pretty close to him, and he is quite a good looking person - 'he looked exactly like he does in the movies' I thought to myself.

Then I thought to myself again - 'der ... of course he is going to look like he does in the movies.... cos he is him?'

I saw him again last Friday night at Cherry.  And when he walked in, dressed again in a baseball cap and black puffer jacket, he held his drink and just looked at the ground as he walked to his usual corner.

People must have gotten wind that he was here and suddenly there were interested on-lookers trying to get a glimpse of this superstar.  We were sitting behind him with a column in between us.  The Smiz, my bestie and Hollywood and I.  Smiz didn't really take to the whole Leonardo thing.  She thought it was pretty pointless how he causes such a scene just by 'being'.  I started thinking how he must hate being stared at, pointed at and talked about right in front of him.  People looked at him not in appreciation of his work or what he has accomplished as an actor, but more so like a rare jewel, or an endangered animal - it was like a sense of amazement.

He didn't stay for very long and when he left, life just went back to how it was.  We kept on drinking.

Starstruck? Yes perhaps.  It was all a bit exciting to have seen him twice.  :)

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Home Away from Home

I decided to have a little cook up at my parent's home this weekend.

After a few too many crazy and expensive weekends, and more coming this month, I thought to take this opportunity and just hide out and relax over the weekend.

So I bought a massive 2kg of lamb on the bone and a big slab of grass fed beef and went on home.

Not too familiar with roasts I had to look up a recipe.  The Taste website has a fantastic range of recipes which are really easy to follow.

I wanted to try a slow roasted lamb but Dad doesn't like the texture of the meat so I went for the original quick and easy.  Sticking whole garlic pieces into the meat and covering it with rosemary fresh from the garden, it went in the over for a little over an hour.

It's so nice to be able to relax over the weekend and hang out with the family.  We don't necessarily talk for hours but it's nice to have a different feeling of 'being at home'.

Being here I don't feel pressured to have to head out because it is Saturday night, and I am happy to just relocate into bed and start watching the second season of Breaking Bad.

I received news the other day that one of my cousins just got engaged. I sighed - I am happy for her but I suddenly felt really sad for me.  I don't always admit it to myself or to anyone but I do feel sad that I don't have a special someone in my life.  I often wonder if I will end up alone and that becomes more than a little scary.

So I guess being home with Mum and Dad does help a little.  If I was at my apartment I would probably do a dumb thing like put a call into Mister or make plans to go out and waste more money on nothing.

I really need to knuckle down and save a bit.

See how I go this month I guess.

Queen of the Nile

Tonight is the official launch of 'The Star'.  Old name - Star City, new name .... just The Star.

Every time I head over to the Casino I always think back to the time when I had a gambling problem.  It all started when I had a boy-friend/fiancé that I couldn't get rid of.  He made me turn on my family and made me fight with my brother so we didn't speak to each other for six months. It is a strong word but I hated him, and I hated being so distant from my family even though we all lived in the same house.  I kicked this fiancé out of the house numerous times, bags packed, ute filled, but within a few hours he would always return and force me into 'make-up' sex, even when I didn't want it.

So I turned to the only place I knew I could be alone and that was the Casino.  It was always open and always welcomed me and best of all, it left me alone.  I never drank, and I never went with anyone, I just went with my bank card and a fist full of cash.

I realised I had a problem when I entered the Casino one Monday morning at about 7am with $5,000 in green hundred dollar bills.  I left at 7.15am with nothing but the feeling of defeat and the dread that I would have to again go home to this disgusting person asleep in my bed.  It was always depressing having to leave and head back to harsh reality.  I remember winning a substantial amount a few times, but I never collected as I didn't want to leave and return to the real world, so I played it until I had nothing left.

And there it started, I even told the fiancé where I was and he didn't care, he came with me a few times but all he did was spend my money.  After awhile he got the message that I really didn't want him around and he finally moved out.  By then I was already in too deep and I couldn't stop.  ATM's were too slow to release my cash, I would go into the bank to withdraw a big chunk at a time.

But I knew I had to stop, no matter what I did, hide my cards, cancel my credit cards, I always found a way to get cash.  Pretty soon all of my investments went and I then dipped into savings.  And when that went, I applied for credit cards.  I found friends that I could gamble with and I thought it was a whole lot of fun.

But when friends had enough and went home, when bars closed up for the night, my self-destruct button clicked on and I would always end up at the casino.  Within a year I probably gambled a deposit on a house, some weekends I would gamble the equivalent of a flight to Europe.  I just didn't care.  I was so angry.

After one very disastrous weekend, I had absolutely nothing left.  I felt sick in the guts for gambling the most I have ever done in only three days.  I was up to my eye balls in debt.  I couldn't do it anymore.  Then something clicked and I thought to myself this was stupid, I needed to get a grip and stop it.  This secret I kept to myself I couldn't keep in any longer.  So I confided in a friend.  He told me I wasn't alone, he said he knew other people in my position but he told me to just accept it and move on, money can be replaced but you don't want to lose your friends and family.  He supported me and didn't judge me for what I had been doing.  

I don't know how I did it but I did.  It had a lot to do with changing lifestyle choices and my social circle.  I had to stop hanging around people that gambled with me, because when they went home, I continued on.  I scrounged up enough money for an overseas trip.

I haven't gambled in nearly two years now and I have been back to the casino so many times since then,  but only for drinks and to have a good time with friends with no desire at all to have a punt or flutter.

I am still paying the price for what I did a few years ago, but I thank my lucky stars that even though my financial position is hard, it is manageable.  I don't have savings but I can still have a good time with friends, go on holidays and buy myself a pair of shoes if I want to.  It is my choice now to rebuild my financial portfolio again and get back on my feet.  I get down on myself now and then about what I did with all my savings but all I can do is just breath and try again.  I keep telling myself at least I am not gambling anymore.

I feel so liberated to be able to walk into the casino with my wallet and all credit cards in-tact without the urge to even put a gold coin in the machines.

If anyone has a gambling problem, don't feel defeated should you seek help with friends, family or even the help line.  It's not something to be ashamed of, it's an addiction that can be conquered and won.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Out of Sight Out of Mind

My Bestie told me the best way to forget about Mister is to apply the theory of 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Easier said than done.

A few weekends ago, Mister confirmed to me that he cannot commit, that he doesn't have the mental or physical capacity to be able to spend every spare moment of his time with me.  BUT - I meant more to him than a booty call and that he doesn't know what is going to happen in the future.  That what I am asking of him he will not make a decision on - NOW.

Whatever that is, to me it means he wants his cake and eat it too.  He wants to be able to call me up when he wants (which is not that often seeing as I am doing all of the calling at the moment).

Well I have tried to put into practice this 'Out of Sight, Out of Mind' theory.  And I just keep trying and trying.  I delete all of his emails, his text messages and make plans that won't involve him, but I always come to a situation where I want to call him.

Here are some examples:

1. Great hip hop gig on this Sunday - none of my friends like hip hop except for him
2. I left my keys at home with flatmates not returning home till late - need to kill some time
3. I am thinking of making a few purchases on eBay - I need to ask him some questions
4. I have a voucher for a restaurant near his place - I may as well invite him
5. It's 3am and there are no cabs - I should see if he is up and if I can stay over

I mean, totally ridiculous reasons I know.

Everyday I see another friend getting married or having a baby and I just think to myself 'geez and here I am holding onto a whole lot of freaking garbage that will not give me what i want!'

How do I let go when the feelings don't allow it?

Keep playing these stupid mind games with myself, to-ing and fro-ing of dumb emotions that just won't quit!  It's been nearly two years since the break-up, he has moved on, he has progressed with promotions, a new found independence, new group of friends and just living the dream.

As for me?

We are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

Getting Older

I'd never thought I would see the day when I would look at others around me and think to myself 'where did my life go?'

It's a scary thing looking at the the other side of 30, thinking to myself 'goodness 40 is just SO old'.
I try and make myself feel better about it but I don't, it doesn't work, alcohol and partying is only temporary.

It's so hard nowadays to go out and feel so much older, I look at others around me and wish for my own youth back, and how I if I could live it again I would do it so differently.

I look at my friends, nearly 10 years younger, but they are my friends who I confide in, who I get along with, and who are also budding artists, film makers, editors and lawyers.  Then I look at me.  10 years ago I didn't achieve and hadn't achieved as much as my younger friends and think have I really wasted my chance and opportunity of making it in the world?

Yes I have travelled, lived and loved but what of achievement? Personal goals, career and material status, a house, a family of my own and a bank account with savings?

That I have none of.  I still live day to day, I still plan an overseas trip every year and I still look forward to the weekend like most twenty somethings do.

I try and not get myself down thinking about it but it's so hard - DAMMIT - it's REALLY hard.

I think of how many years left before there would be no chance of me meeting someone, having a family, or even how much time I have left to save up superannuation.... not that many.

I used to think that I would be ok.  That everything would work out in the end, but I don't really believe that now.  Instead I am not sure what I believe in, I am grasping onto anything that would make me feel young, only it would leave me empty and depressed and hate how everything just passes and I just get older and older.