Reluctantly she let's him go

He took the last straw this weekend that just past.  It came to a point where I could not justify myself putting so much energy and thought into him.  I kept telling myself he is 28.  When I was 28 I didn't know what I wanted either.  All I cared about were my friends and making sure I didn't miss out on anything social.  I went to every party I was invited to, and every gig, every festival and every shin dig both big and small - even if I didn't really know the hosts.  I just didn't want to miss out.

Last night when I didn't even get a reply, not even to say he didn't feel like leaving his house or making plans, I knew it was it.  I could not put myself through another bout of depression, anxiety and disappointment. Enough was enough.

I am still confused as to why and how someone could be so unreliable, with such lack of respect for other people, or maybe it is just me he is doing this to.  He knows how I feel about him so he takes it for granted, knowing I will always welcome him back with open arms.

So many times I wanted to text him today and I didn't.  Every time my phone vibrated, I always wished it was him.

But I know this.  I need to believe that I can get through this.  I feel like I am going through a break up even though we never even really had anything to break up with in the first place.

The knots in my belly, the burning deep within my guts, it's not as bad as the day before, and tomorrow and even the next day, I know it will gradually subside.

I am sighing inside me.  Oh well.

Hey.  Yes, I find you very hot, your blue eyes amazing, your abs delicious.  But I don't deserve to be treated like I don't matter to you, someone that can be ignored or spoken to when it suits you, you have treated my time with such disrespect and with no consideration at all.  No matter how much I like you as a person, how much I think we get along, how much we have in common, and how my feelings for you have been so strong, I just have to believe you took me for granted.  You don't deserve me at all.  I gave you so many chances, more than I have with anyone else.  But I need to stay true to me and so with this I will have to say, see you later my little hottie.  

Love frustrated

Can I be in love when all I feel is a big twist in my belly.  How can I love somebody that continues to lead me on, play hot then cold?  Maybe I don't know how I feel.

He continues to play me, want to make plans but not make them true, leave me waiting around, frustrated and angry.

How can I let someone treat me like this, and yet still feel so strongly for him.  And every time he sends me a text, all is forgiven again.

I wish so much for him to send me texts again telling me he misses me, he can't wait to see me and how much he likes being with me.

Or is it just a game to him?  Is he leaving options, not putting all eggs in one basket?  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.  And how I don't believe what he says to me isn't true.

When I saw him last night, he kissed me quickly on the cheek, and wanted to go home.  Why didn't he invite me back with him?  Why didn't he kiss me on the lips?

He suggested we do something today.  And when I texted him asking if he wanted to meet up, he didn't reply.

Left waiting once again.

If only I could figure out why I am so attracted to him when he doesn't treat me right, why I can't seem to get him out of my head when he just calls me on his terms, and why I have such strong feelings from him when I don't even know where I stand with him.

Love.  It confuses me.  I used to think it could only be love if it was mutual.  But maybe it can be different.

Love.  It damn well confuses me and tips my world upside down.

It really is a mystery.

Obsessed

It's not everyday you meet someone who could be your soul mate.  Someone who you instantly connect with and can tell all your dark secrets too without hesitation.  Someone who understands you, read you like a book, and in an instant know that you want him to stay forever more.  Someone who you can just melt into, drift away and also someone that can bring out the best and the worst in you.

It's only happened once or twice in my life and in recent weeks I met another possible soul mate of mine.  We talked and laughed and I could not believe how much we got along and connected, intellectually, physically, mentally, every bit of me, and us just connected.

When we both went back to our own homes after our first date, he sent me a text admitting how much he liked me, how much fun he had and I smiled.  Finally? I thought.  I was scared to fantasise but I couldn't help it.

We met up again, he came over, and we hung out in my room for a few hours.  He told me again how much he liked me and asked me what I thought of him.  I told him the truth, I said he was very young (28) but I did like him a lot also.

The next time we made plans to meet, I waited around in the city.  6pm went, no calls or texts, then 8pm then 9pm.  I sent him a text saying I was going home.  I called him when I was at home and he didn't answer.  I was devastated and hoped nothing was wrong but I was also so so confused.

The next morning he sent me a text saying how sorry he was.  And then he called and I forgave him, he promised it wouldn't happen again.  And we made plans to meet up that night.
When I finished work I texted and called again.  No answer.

I went out, got drunk, got wasted. And yet I still called him and texted. And he still didn't reply.

The next day, still intoxicated I called him again.  He said 'hi' like everything was ok and nothing happened.  He wanted to meet up later on.  I didn't believe him so I went to sleep off my hangover.  Later in the afternoon he did come over and we hung out again.  He asked me if I was mad he didn't call me.  I said I was pretty easy going.  And that was all was said about the matter.  It was a state of bliss.  I loved every bit of him being with me.

When he left that night he told me he would call me the next day to plan a date.  The same thing happened the next day.  Stood up again.  I then flipped.

I bought 3 bottles of wine, 2 pizzas and a pasta and got drunk again.  I started sending him psycho texts out of rage.  Ones that included lines such as 'I thought we had a mutual understanding that we liked each other', 'Are you just playing the field', 'Please can we talk about this', 'Why don't you come over and hang out', 'What did I do wrong?', 'I'm drunk, I like you too much', 'You're awesome fun to hang out with'.

It carried on for days until finally he responded with 'I have been wanting to see you, but your texts freaked me out a bit'.

All was forgiven.  And he wanted to see me again.

Then that night it happened again.  He blocked me from an online chat and I flipped once more.  'WTF did I do?', 'Can we sort this out?', 'What happened? Are you mad at me'.  The texts were needy, desperate, the 12am calls went unanswered.

I saw myself obsessed with this guy, confused, outraged at his behaviour.  How can someone treat me so bad, yet all I want is for him to want me and only me in his life.  Such desperation, panic that he probably thought I was crazy.

The next day, after an apologetic text and the reassurance that he still wanted to see me, all was forgiven again.

We made plans to meet up that Saturday night.

Friday night I was just chilling at home when he called wanting to come over.  Booty call.
Me in my drunken state agreed and he came over.  The next morning he said he would come back in the afternoon.  We made plans to have pizza and have a few drinks.

Later that evening, my calls and texts went unanswered and I was home alone again waiting for him.

The next day I received a text. 'Hey.'
I asked him what happened to him and he didn't reply.

The next few days, I would get random texts from him asking me how was I was, and it would always end with a standoffish 'I'm good', 'At basketball'.

I got back online, and started to look around again.  Keep myself occupied and try to forget.
And today I get another text, 'Hey how are you?'.
After a few more texts with no direction, I asked him if he was busy tonight and if he would like to grab a margarita.
No reply.

A few hours later, I noticed he checked my profile.

In the words of Johnny Cash 'And it burns, burns, burns'
My whole inside was burning up.  Rage, disappointment, anger, sadness.

I need to get him out of my head, out of my life.
It's so hard to let go when you think you meet someone who just gets you.  I didn't have to explain myself to him, nor him to me.  We just became.

Or so I thought.  He is obviously playing the field and nothing more.  I don't understand how his actions could be a big act.  He seemed so genuine to me.

All my friends tell me he's no good but yet how can I want him so so much.

I'm trying to just let go.  But half of my heart just keeps looking at my phone hoping to reconnect.
Deep down it won't happen but I wish so much my deep down instinct is wrong.

Let go. Let go.  He is only 28.  Just a boy. Not ready. Scared of my being so full on.

Just a player.

I need to chill the F out. Breath. Move on and let him go.

Mr Fitz

I felt a flutter in my stomach when he sent me a wink.  27, very hot and reminded me of Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars.

And he was also a school teacher, not English like Mr. Fitz but nonetheless, a school teacher.

He told me I was the prettiest girl he has seen, said he wouldn't be able to help himself and would kiss me as soon as we met.  His words were perfect, just like a romance novel.  And he always ended the conversation with 'good night my love'

I felt so young, I smiled all day at the office and just like it was supposed to be, he sends me texts as soon as he wakes up, 'morning, you are so beautiful'.

We made plans to meet up at the end of the week and one night he even posted a love heart emoji against my profile pic.  I felt such a rush to think how a boy so much younger than me would find me so attractive to him.

'You are so beautiful, even in the dark' he would say as we Skyped in our beds at night.

One morning I clicked on his profile by accident (yes it was by accident) and found he had also done the same to five other female profiles, stamped a heart against their pic, with one he even said, 'in love'. I stared at her for five minutes, comparing myself to her, what does she have that I don't have? Youth, big gorgeous eyes, and beautiful features.

Alarm bells started ringing in my head and the one word I didn't want to hear went blasting through my brain. PLAYER.

I didn't hear from him the morning of the day that we had planned to meet, so I sent him a text asking him if we were still on.  He replied saying he had to work and had a birthday to go to later on.  'Let's do next weekend, I'll stay over' he said.  I didn't reply and I think my chest felt the stabbing of a million knives.

Later that day when I logged onto the app, his profile disappeared from my list.  Two things could have happened, either he blocked me or he deleted his profile.

I felt such disappointment that I yelled out in the open air, 'I hate you!'

I didn't hate him, it was the universe.  I cursed the universe that day and wondered why I keep getting dealt the same old cards.

Life really is like a roller-coaster.

Bad Hair Night

It was hard to accept but I had one of those nights.

As I was preparing to meet up with Cuz for a bite and a few glasses of wine in Neutral Bay, I didn't think to do my hair, rather it was just tied up.  I did however go a little heavier on the eye liner giving myself a little taste of mod, printed knitted dress and high heeled suede boots.

Cuz then decides she would like to go out after dinner and I thought to do the same.  So we drove home to drop the car off and also perform a quick outfit change.

I found a black glittery dress in my wardrobe which I haven't worn for awhile. It was a shift dress that had a scoop neck.  I had imagined looking like Serena Van Der Woodsen from Gossip Girl.  I looked in my long mirror and topped with some high heeled ankle boots, hair up and black lined eyes I thought I looked quite chic, quite New York.

Cuz then came into my room, little shorts on, high heeled pumps finished with a furry vest, very cute and looking super hot.  We both left and as we walked out of our foyer, I caught myself in the mirror and knew straight away the dress was a bad choice.  I didn't look anywhere close to Serena Van Der Woodsen at all, rather I looked like a glittered version of Sponge Bob.

Over at Cherry whilst sipping on my usual Tommy's margarita, I didn't feel the vibe.  I felt frumpy next to Cuz, my legs where twice the size of hers, and I felt like an elephant next to the petite ball of hotness sitting next to me.  The guy that came up to her and interrupted our conversation by saying how pretty she was didn't even know I was there.  Usually a guy would talk to both girls if there's only two, acknowledge and introduce himself to both but nope, I didn't even exist to him.

The DJ played a track that I really loved.  I went up to him, smiled, and maybe even flirted a little.  Told him it was a top track, an awesome tune, and all I got was the cold shoulder.  A nod and a look that said 'you weirdo'.  I went back to the bar, a little uncomfortable, a lot fatter than I felt, and definitely a lot older.

I then started to feel ancient.  Like a cougar that forgot how to dress, an old lady trying to behave young but was just so out of place.  It was a horrid place to be.  I kept drinking but I couldn't even feel tipsy, feel the effects of anything other than disgust at my horrible choice in dress, and the way I have been acting.

That night I didnt have my mojo, I started to feel extremely uneasy, crappy, and really felt my age, and totally out of place.  There I was, an oldie in a place full of beautiful girls with hot bodies, flawless skin and gorgeous looks.  I then started feeling jealous of them all and wished so much I too could be ten years younger, and why didn't I live the way I am living now ten years ago.  I wasted so much of my life in the bedroom, a recluse. (That is a whole other story)

I was glad to call it a night, to just head home and go to bed and take that wretched dress off and dump it in a corner.

At the end of it all, the dress went into a clothing donation bag.

The power of clothing and make-up and actually putting in some effort.  Because if you feel good about yourself, you will give off the same energy and confidence.

Lesson learnt - the dress hung in my wardrobe for over a year without being worn for a reason.  Last time I wore it, I remember now.  I felt exactly the same way.

Still in my twenties

I don't believe I act my age, I certainly don't feel my age.  I know friends and family who are younger than me, already settled, kids, mortgages, money in the bank, superannuation growing.  I on the other hand have none of those and I go out with my cuz who is ten years younger than me, behaving like I'm in my twenties.  Maybe for now I can get away with it, but for how much longer?  When I was bar tending I used to look at 'older' ladies - and I mean in their forties behaving like they are twenty something and it just looked tacky.  Back then I thought that, but now I see myself becoming one of those ladies in the near future.

Take one night at Ivy for instance.  Feeling rather happy after dinner at Uccello's, a brief stint at Pool Club, we went up to Ivy.  Talent was in abundance there that night.  I went up to one guy and immediately started pashing him.  His friend cheered him on and I carried on dancing.  I always wanted to kiss a nerdy guy unawares, and I did it that night. Tick.

Before I knew it I was dancing arm in arm with another guy.  I looked at him and smiled.  His body was hot, he had abs like bricks and I bent down and bit it.  Why? I don't know.  Ask the vodka and shot of tequila.  I then asked him if he was gay.  I think he got offended but I don't even know why I asked him that.  He said no.  So I said "prove it and kiss me".  There I went again, kissing him in the middle of the dance floor.  Nerdy guy in the background and I think Nerdy guy's friend was dry humping me but I wasn't sure, it was packed with people.  But then Mr. Abs, he left, I wasn't sure why.  Probably had to do with me being stupid.

Off I went dancing again and I saw the DJ's playing on a stage.  Whatever possessed me then, I jumped up on stage and started dancing.  It was short lived and I got told to get off by security but it was a fun filled three seconds of fame.

The night ended with a quarter pounder and two servings of fries.

A typically fun night for an early twenty something.

I try and tell myself to just keep having fun and I am.  Enjoying single life is fun.  But I do think of wanting something more.

When I am throwing up in the morning, when I am so hungover I can't move, all I really want is for someone to stroke my forehead and bring me a glass of icey cold water.

The apple stays on the tree

Whenever I am presented with temptation I always think of Adam and Eve, and the apple.

I had my second date with the married man.  In between the first and the second date I couldn't stop fantasising about him.  It would take over my day, on the train, during meetings at work, and even in bed, I would think about him and imagine what it would be like to be with him as I fell asleep.

But no matter how much I wanted to dream about him, it would never happen.  Perhaps it was a sign?

On the day that we planned to meet, for some reason something in me clicked, or maybe I had over obsessed to a point where he actually started to turn me off.

I started to think of the negatives, he took me to a place where he said were the best margaritas in the Southern Hemisphere.  He was very wrong.  The margaritas were watery and much too sour.  And then he kept going on and on and on about this one place to get pizza but it shut early during the week and I have heard reports that they have been struggling - probably due to bad positioning and not being able to open at nights.  This restaurant was in a shopping centre, it was not exactly the best spot to be hosting what's meant to be the best pizza in town.  But I trusted him, more so than the margaritas, he was Italian, and he would know best about his home cuisine.

But I guess what really happened was that after the initial cheekiness and naughtiness of it all, the idea of an older married man stopped appealing to me.  I started to look at him differently.  How deceitful he was, how selfish he was behaving and how much I didn't respect him at all.

To top it all off, during our second date at a high end cocktail bar, his arrogance came out.  He wasn't very friendly to the bar tender or the cocktail waitress, and he acted like he was above them.  I noticed another thing, he kept repeating himself and if I didn't start on a new topic, he repeated what he had already told me.  He told me how nice it was to see me again about five or six times.  What happened to the fun night we had initially?  The endless flow of conversation, how easy it was to talk and just be.  Did I really find out all about him in one night?  Was there nothing else he could have brought up or said or told me?  Not even with the decade of living he had ahead of me?

Lack of conversation, his arrogance, how I have come to notice him as being a creature of nature, not living outside the box.  Not deal breaking I know, but after obsessing about him for a week, maybe I just had enough.  He obviously didn't live up to how I imagined him to be.  It was definitely for the better - a grateful gift in disguise.

I made up an excuse, said I had an exhausting day and I really needed to go.  After he suggested to have dinner, I declined and said next time.  He still tried and said one more drink at another bar, but I still said no.  I had made up my mind and wanted to get out of there as soon as I can.

I politely went to the ladies and returned the Candidate's missed call I saw on my phone earlier on.  He offered to come and pick me up from my 'work drinks' and I accepted.  It was raining heavily after all.

I promised the married guy I would make it up to him, and that next time we would have the best fun and I would not be so tired.  When I kissed him goodbye on the cheek, the thought of having to kiss his other cheek, the second kiss, was grossing me out.  I couldn't believe how fast and what a u-turn I had made with how I felt about him.  You can't really help your feelings, and I even though I was glad it ended up this way, I still don't know how I came to these emotions so suddenly after a week of day dreams and smiles.

That night I stopped obsessing.  And I think he got the message also.  I still think of him at times, but I am happy I never picked that apple.

Darlinghurst Douche

I got a random text message from one of the random numbers I had gotten whilst on the margaritas one night.

Two months later he wanted to catch up for a drink.  I thought to myself why not?  

I actually didn't really want to but I also did want to find out or remind myself what he looked like and if I had a chance of finding him interesting.

The day came and I met him on Oxford Street, he was late.  We went up to Ching-a-lings and he ordered a bottle of wine.

We ran out of things to talk about in - oh let's say - five minutes.  And this is me being generous.  Luckily we were both in the same industry so he could bitch about work.  When we didn't talk about work, it was awkward and I struggled to find things to talk about.  So I just started dropping random comments and talking about the first thing that came to mind.  Conversation was hard and trying.

I am sure I was out of there in around half and hour, he had some friends waiting for him up the road.  

Bad, bad date.

I walked away and laughed when he said he would keep in touch.

All I kept thinking about was how I wasted my time with this douche who was actually even too boring to be a douche.  I could have gone to the gym and lost four hundred calories.

Then I did it.

I called Mister and he was more than happy to come up and meet me.

He let me hang on to him as we walked to Spice I Am to order takeaway Thai in my heeled boots.

He called me when I got home to make sure I was ok and that I enjoyed my dinner.

OK - so he is not top of mind, but I think he may be slowly climbing up.

Taken

There was something very important that I didn't know about my date last week.

I may have had a hunch but I didn't read his profile so I didn't know.

We met up in Surry Hills, when he saw me he stood up and gave me an European kiss hello.

As we sat down for a margarita, I was instantly drawn to him, he's a lot older but yet he still made me laugh.  We talked about anything and everything ranging from fashion to politics to religion and philosophy.

When we left and went walking on the street he held out his arm so that I could hold onto it, he saw me in heels, and he made sure I didn't trip.  He opened the passenger door before his and shut the door for me before heading over to the drivers seat.

When was the last time someone did that for me? Maybe when I pulled up outside the casino, or greeted at a five start hotel or fine dining restaurant, but never on a date.

But then he told me the news. And my hunch was right.  He had a wife and a son at home.  From that point I didn't know what to say.  Rather just blurted, 'what are you doing out with me then?'

Whatever was going on with him at home, the truth, perhaps he didn't tell.  He said home was like living with his best friend, and that they had both lost the spark in their relationship but needed to keep the family unit together for their son.

However, I still felt a strong attraction to him, his accent, they way he presented himself, dressed and walked.  When we sat on a lounge sipping wine, I could feel the heat between us, and I felt comfortable leaning ever so slightly by him, barely touching as I kept my cool and just carried on with conversation.  Inside I just kept thinking that this was a bad idea but why am I so excited by it all?

Then back at home I couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to be with him, not so much that he was married but more so that he was older.  There was a different kind of presence about him from the other guys I have recently met up with.  It felt like he was established, knew what he wanted, with life experiences - he could pretty much do whatever he wanted.

I think that's what I was drawn to.  It wasn't about trying to get somewhere, it wasn't about big life plans or career goals, or even having no goals at all.  It was like there was no sense of wonder, he already knew who he was.

That was I got out of the few hours we spent together anyway.

So we said bye, no late night pash, no sneaky hands exploring each other in a quiet, dark street.  Rather I think it would be safer to leave all of that stored in my imagination.

This could never work out.  Even if I did go there and end up being with him, only once, I dread to think how I would feel afterwards.  Would I feel guilty? Or would I just feel like I would want more, to see him again?

Now I know what it's like to be presented with the forbidden fruit.  Having to decide between what is the right thing to do and not knowing really if it is the right thing or not.  It's true it's not right in society's eyes, but what about being true to what feels right between two people?

Boys, boys, boys

I must say getting attention from boys gives me the warm and fuzzies.  I mean I'm not in love, far from it.  But I have come a long way from feeling so unwanted and ugly at one point in my life to finding a new confidence within myself.

I'm glad I don't walk around hating myself anymore, and I look forward to my every day.  No I haven't lost the ten kilos I want to lose, and I am still paying off a painful debt and I sometimes I do think about how old I am getting, but it is bearable nowadays.  You could say that I have finally broken away from the clutches of Mister and his games.

It was so obvious to everyone around me but of course not obvious to me, clutching onto the strands of what could've been with him.  

He has been calling and texting me, it has stopped now and I think it was because he got the message.  He has been wanting to catch up and even one night was really forward asking me if I was keen for 'snuggles'.  I ignored the text and said the next day I was asleep.  After the third or fourth decline there has been silence from him, and I haven't heard from him now in days.

I think about being with him again and to my surprise I don't feel any desire to, I can finally say that I am no longer attracted to him! Finally.....

The Candidate.  Bless his cotton socks, he is so cute, but really just a boy.  He sends me adorable texts that make me laugh, and he shows interest in catching up, but again I have been busy.  It's my new thing - friends and me time first, boys later.  I have found in the past I have always wanted to rush things, I would always think, 'quick, quick' all the time but have realised I just need to slow down.  Just because you slept with him last night doesn't mean he will text or call the next day.  Newly found dating training.

Over mojitos by Circular Quay one sunny Sunday afternoon, a friend told me about this phone app that connects you with boys.  It took me less than a minute to sign up and upload a pic from my phone and away I went.  I became pretty obsessed initially, on the phone just chatting to whoever, and the choice not to respond once boredom set in. 

It may not even eventuate to anything at all, but I consider this as practice.  I've never been one to flirt with boys or even be able to speak to random boys in a social setting so I suppose starting off with phone chat is like baby steps to make me more sociable.

At the moment,  I'm just after a bit of fun and flirting is fun.