Mauritius Dreaming

This time last year I was packing my bags and getting excited about my African holiday.

On Christmas Day I landed in Johanessburg and had tucked into a Lybrian Christmas feast before heading out to Mauritius where I would be spending my New Years Eve celebrations.

This year I will be spending it in Sydney despite my vow never to spend another Christmas or New Year's Eve in this city.  I think my parents are happy to have me here though and with my bestie spending New Year's here, it may be a fun holiday period after all.

I think back on the reasons why I didn't want to be here, and it's mainly because of Mister.  The ones that I have celebrated with him have always been mediocre if not sad.  And I guess I didn't want to be here to be reminded of that.

I dream of being on the beach, wake boarding, drinking Mauritian white rum with Orangina and eating the local cuisine.  And the friends that I made there, the nicest people you would meet.  The other Miss A and I made such a stern pack to return there before the end of this year.  My, how life just flies by and before you know it, the pinky promise you made (even with a stamp) is forgotten about.

And to think there are so many other countries I would like to visit, I just hope one day we will keep our pinky promise and head back to the island where we can hang with the locals, wake board, have BBQ's on the beach and just laugh and laugh the night away.

Side note:

I still haven't called Mister.  I am secretly hoping he would call me.  Just to prove to me that he is thinking about me.

Positive thinking does work

Out with the old and in with the new.  Finally got the courage to stop calling Mister, it has been just over three weeks now since we last spoke and even though I still think about him, it is easier for me to bear.

After reading a fellow blogger's page and post about her online dating experience, I got inspired and decided to give the online thing another chance.  So I signed up and trawled through all of my requests, accepting one of them which caught my attention.  All I know was that his eyes got me, sometimes you look at a person and you know that there are stories to be told.

We became Facebook friends and I loved the idea that he has travelled, his online personality was bursting with life and vibrance, and best of all he seemed like he was quirky and funny.

So many people you accept online lack personality, not much more to say after 'How are you. How was your day. What do you like to do in your spare time. What do you do for work.' Snore.

Or else you get guys who will immediately request an MSN or Skype add so that they can send you videos or pics of their dicks.

I'd like to think that this guy was different.  I decided to meet up with him and we made arrangements to meet for drinks in my local area.  Though it didn't start off well.  I didn't hear from him for days and when I sent him a text to see if we were still on for drinks, I didn't hear back for hours.  I had given up and was laying in bed wondering why I even said yes to meeting up.

But in the end the date went ahead and we met up to see if we had a connection, any chemistry.  After a few drinks, we were pashing in the dimly lit bar.  It was fun, and I wanted to.  I hesitated at first and when we did kiss I was surprised at how his lips were so soft, softest I had ever felt, and the way he kissed was the complete opposite to Mister.  Passionate and grown up unlike the boyish kisses and tongue combats I had grown accustomed to in the previous few months.

He dared me to do things I wouldn't normally do, and it sent excitement through my blood like electricity.  We would stand outside of a shopfront and he would kneel down and kiss me on the side of my hip pulling my dress up whilst my hands would try and cover up what the world would otherwise get to see.

Words coming from his mouth were dirty and daring, I wasn't used to it but it made me laugh inside at how naughty someone can get.   I lapped up every dirty complimentary word but would never let it show, keeping my smiles to myself and thoughts of how awesome it felt to be showered with such positive words.

I do sometimes wonder what in world is going on with him though, the wanting to see me again, can't wait to see me again has resulted in nothing but a few messages here and there.

But this was all about me wanting to change my world for the better, stop wishing for something that could never happen with Mister, and it worked.  Even if it was a sleazy one night stand, at least I can give myself credit for being strong enough to finally let go of a wish and dream that could never be.

An update on that list

Turning things around has actually worked for me.  I am not pining over Mister as much, and even though I do think about him, it barely lasts more than a minute or two.

Here is an update on that list and I can happily say that I can tick them all off :)

1. Foodie buddie date - all set for this Saturday.  Growers Markets (yummy!) and then lunch (I am thinking Nasi Lemak)

2. An awesome night out with Jay - I saw her on Tuesday night, we chatted and she told me of some major news... she is packing up and moving out of Sydney.  Saving up and getting rid of her debt, and getting out of advertising.  What a big decision and has definitely inspired me to do the same.

3. A date with Smiz - pencilled in for this Friday night! Though not 100%, at least it's in our diaries and I am looking forward to seeing her as it has been such a long, long time.

4.  Bestie Melbourne catch up - that was last week and it was awesome.  Short and sweet and left me wanting more of Melbourne.  What's not to love about Melbs? 

5. Hair cut - put in for an appointment this Saturday, never been before, but their site looks really good and every time I have walked past, I have always been impressed.

Perhaps the next thing to do is to paint the town red.

Melbourne - love this town

Happy Friday and thank goodness it's here!! Start of the weekend and away from this hell-hole called 'my work' for two days.

I seriously cannot stand my boss anymore, I have never met such an erratic, control freak and bull-crapper before in my life!! What a big mistake I made taking this stupid job that was only ever good for the first month.

Back to happier things.  One of the nicer part of my job is to be able to work on fun accounts.  As a part of that I got to head over to Melbourne for the day.  I flew in on Wednesday night and got to meet up with my bestie.

We went to a warehouse party hosted by a tequila brand so free food and drinks until midnight.  Love this town.  On entry it was much like a party you would go to in New York. Though now that I know that Mister's ex-comeback-fling lives in New Jersey, the thought of New York makes me cringe.

Next stop was a fantastic bar called Black Pearl.  At midnight on a Wednesday come Thursday it was already vibing and getting busier as the minutes ticked by.  As the door kept opening and the bar filled up more and more, I confirmed to myself that Melbourne talent is definitely better than Sydney talent.  The crowd all had an artistic edge to them, the vibe was nowhere near as pretentious as some bars in Sydney and I am just loving Melbourne more and more.

I had a tinge of regret, I tried to make the move to Melbourne two years ago and it lasted not even a week.  All thanks to Mister, he has been such a burden to my emotions and yet I STILL can't stop thinking about him and wondering what he is up to ... even today.

I was sad to leave Melbourne, my bestie and her hubbie have such a great set of friends, they catch up so often and they are like a big family.  I find it so hard to do it here.  If I catch up with friends I make plans for at least a week or two away.  Another thing that I love is that everyone knows everyone in their social circle, what is missing here is that.  I catch up with friends only to find out they haven't seen other mutual friends in ages or it was a few months ago.

Can't wait to head back.  If only I didn't have a new found addiction to ASOS, I would be back there in a heartbeat.

gosh - what am I becoming?

I was thinking this morning about this blog and what it is turning into.  I definitely don't want this little space of mine to become a whiny spot and my lack of focus with other things so positive in my life and me leading me into this whiny person.

So this morning, a new perspective, to try and be positive and not focus so much on whining about Mister or the lack of him in my life.  To not mention the fact that I am single and hating it but single and loving life.

I sorta think that this new perspective with my words and thinking will eventually become reality and that is what I need to believe.  What I am doing at the moment is not working and I guess you all know that.

So ... I have made plans:

1. Make a date with my foodie buddies

2. Go for a night out with my awesome friend Jay

3. Make another date with the currently very busy Smiz who I am missing dearly

4. A catch up with my bestie in Melbourne tonight - even though I get in so late

5. Get a hair cut

And I guess now that I have made a concrete list - I can't go back on my word. 

x

Hello - is it me you're looking for?

I just can't shake it.  Everywhere I turn there is someone pregnant or someone getting married or someone getting a promotion.

Is this what it feels like to be stuck in a rut?  Is Sydney the rut I need to get out of?

I know I haven't been at my job for that long but I am already feeling so unhappy.  I wonder if my line of work is for me.  I don't know how much more I can stand of the micro-managing, the controlling, the psychotic behaviour of a small business owner freak.  A week spent on arguing over the size of a headline font with the client could have been better spent on working and growing other clients and getting other jobs over the line.  That is how this controlling CEO behaves.  And then suddenly he will change his mind again and again and again and again.  If I should send something to the client I will get in trouble and if I don't I also get in trouble.  I truly believe he thinks that people can read his mind.

And then there is the situation of Mister.  He drives me insane when he calls and when he doesn't.  He drives me even further up the wall when he doesn't answer my text messages.  I know I am not supposed to call him and I am trying so, so, so hard not to, but alas I am not so strong willed.  I confronted him about that girl who he caught up with, in which he replied 'don't believe what your mind is telling you, it angers you' though didn't reply to me saying 'i try, but it's hard when you see stuff you don't want to see'

I nearly made it to a week without contact.  Next week maybe I will aim for two weeks.

And then there is my constant wondering.  Who else is out there for me?  Many people have said to me that you don't have one great love, that there are many.  But what of time catching up with you?
Getting older and everyone you see seems to just get younger.

What am I to do?

I still dream of meeting someone on the train, being bumped on the street, baskets clinking in the aisle of a supermarket or just sharing the same love for cheese at the growers markets.

Or do I just have to accept what is reality? Online dating, speed dating, singles nights and tacky bars and pubs?  Even so I have done all of it and received one night with an arrogant Italian and his small penis.

Alright, calm down love.

I'm so lucky to have friends who care.  

It is because of my gorgeous friend Jay that I feel ok today.  She emailed me throughout the day, when I sat teary eyed in front of my computer at my desk.  As I was walking home she put a call in and wouldn't let me speak, she spoke and said I wasn't alone.  It's so nice to be able to not get a word in, to just listen to words of encouragement and to be left thinking about other things to improve my life seeing as I am so unhappy.

I am also blessed to have such an amazing bro, who always puts his own issues aside to give me his own words of encouragement.  Often unbiased advice, it's always something I take on board and I always respect.  

With regards to my post yesterday, I was so, so angry, I had to get it out.  At least it wasn't in front of him and at least I didn't make a fool out of myself by calling him like a psycho and telling him how it is.

I need to let go, I don't know how many more times I can go through another 'break-up' again and another attempt of telling him he needs to let me go.

Over it.

I'm so sick of seeing people together, seeing my friends have babies, eight year wedding anniversaries.

I'm so sick of receiving wedding invites, hearing baby news, women around me with baby bumps.

I'm so sick of being around him when he doesn't want me the same way.

I'm so sick of being reminded of how things used to be.

I'm so sick of just wanting until my gut churns and burns only it never happens.

And I am SO SO sick of my wondering what the fuck is happening with my life.

And why I am just so fucking alone.

Don't snoop! EVER!

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, here I am again.  Heartbroken after spending the last two days with Mister.

I called him last Friday, wanting to see him as that day I did a little snooping around.  I shouldn't have but I did.  It's one of those stupid things you do when you have unanswered questions, and today with information so easily available, I just couldn't help myself.  The other thing is that I am a total glutton for punishment.

A brief history.  He has a 'friend' who lives in the States.  A friend who is female and I have gotten used to her name being brought up around family.  Even when we first met, I saw a photo of them on is myspace page but thought nothing of it.  He brought up when we opened the 'x-files' quite briefly that he had a girlfriend who moved to the states so that's why they're not together.

So I had shared a link with his Mum on FB and wanted to check if it worked as I did it outside of the site and used a shared log-in.  When I went to her page, I saw a post from this girl saying that she missed her.  Yeah I got curious but then never thought of it for awhile.  Until it was his cousin's birthday and I went and posted a message on her wall and there she was posting every other day and I couldn't help but scroll down further and further well into March this year and my heart sank.  She was here is Sydney.

From what I saw in her comments, it looks like she stayed at Mister's parents place when he was still there in between homes.  And from further comments, it looks like they also hooked up when she was here.  Nothing like re-igniting old old flames.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day anxious, and unsure what to think.

I mean, back in March, I was over him, we were not even speaking.  But seeing how she is now so keen in coming back to Sydney. I felt totally insecure.  Especially since we had that initial talk and he didn't want to commit.

I had movies playing in my head of them hooking up, getting back together.  Him saying his I do's to her.  My obsession mode was running at 200% and it wasn't stopping.  I didn't know what to do.

I really do feel this is something I need to bring up with him.  It all made sense now, he did mention going away to the Hunter Valley in March.  Of course it was with her.  His parent's place only has one room with a bed, of course they shared the same bed.

Closure, I need it so bad.  It's getting worse and I just don't know how to deal with it, what to do.  How can a girl, who has been away from his life for so many years can so easily come back to Sydney and hop straight into his bed?  I am confused. So confused.

I spent the last two days dreaming about it, waking up feeling like crap.  Wanting to bring it up but I didn't.

I don't want to find out when she comes back that it will be her that he will choose.

Respect

I wonder if some people realise if they are being impolite to others.

The other night my auntie and uncle came over (my cousin's parents) to drop off a package for her.  They actually live around 30 - 40 minutes away from us so it is a bit of a drive.

When they came in, they parked in our car park in which my cuz's BF had let them in via our swipe card.

So when they wanted to leave, they would need to be accompanied out to the gates to be swiped out again.

As my aunt and uncle stood up and said let's go,

BF said to me: "can you let them out"
I said: "why?!"
BF said: "because we are eating"
Cuz said: .... [there was nothing said, she was silent]

I got up in a huff to let them out and shook my head.  Not that I minded taking them out, more so I was furious at how rude he was towards them.

It was rude that my cousin didn't say anything and didn't even get up to let them out and put her bowl down for a few minutes.

And it was VERY rude of BF to say out loud he didn't want to take them out because they were eating.

Me being so angry, I just went straight into my room when I got back.  I feel I should say something though, when I see them together this week at some point.

I don't understand how people can be so rude especially when it's family.  Too busy stuffing their face to even get up off the lounge to say goodbye properly.

I really don't understand how they didn't realise what they did was so disrespectful!

And now this is going to come out like I am really old but,

Kids of today! Sheesh!!

Respect - when it comes to family that's where it's at.

Out on a school night

Last night I went to a media event.  A birthday bash for a magazine turning 10.  I got to mingle with celebs and media reps, editors and endless top-ups of Bollinger.

The crowd I would describe as corporately good looking.  So not the usual drab suits or evening party dresses with super high heels, rather outfits that were stylish, smart, with daring bursts of colour and prints, a silver jacket with a return of sharp shoulders and I even saw quirky but trendy suits that boasted creative flair.

The canapés before the speech and presentation were tasty and stylish, what more can you expect from a top shelf food magazine?

Though I did hear someone else ask what was in one of them and decided against it because it wasn't diet.  I don't think you can get diet versions of canapés?

A screen door then opened and where we were moved into a different part of the warehouse.  It was a great surprise and fantastically decorated.  We moved outside and there was a pig on a spit spinning and I tried not to stare at it too long before I felt bad as all eyes were still intact.  I mean I'm not a vegetarian but whenever I see the eyes even with fish I get a little uncomfortable with wanting to eat it.

When we did head out again later though the pigs ears were gone!

More food came out, a mixture of pizza, mini-burgers, smoked salmon salad, even sandwiches, by then I was pretty full or more likely tipsy from all of the champagne top-ups.

Then dessert came out and it was pretty amazing, they had actually made the same cake that was on the cover of their 10th birthday issue.

Pretty damn delicious and I even ate the cheesecake as well, wanted to try the pavlova but decided against it.

When we left we were given a goodie bag filled with awesome stuff, most of the time bags like this are filled with crap you don't even use but this was awesome, I loved everything in it!

Happy Birthday Delicious magazine.

Have always been a fan and to be a part of this celebration was just fan-ta-ma-tas-tic!

you'll just have to wait a little while longer

there are already two possible posts I have up my sleeve.
back to the funny things that happen in my life ... hooray!

i think i would probably give my last few posts the flick if i had the chance .... i mean boobs?!  when i re-read it, it's not even a write up.  what was i really trying to say? what was the point?

as they say in this current time ....

BRB

I want to give up

It's coming up to two years now since the break up and I am still hanging on.

I wish that I could give up on him but something won't let me.

It hurts me when I am speaking to him on the phone and he tells me that he is going home because there is nothing else to do and that he is bored.  I wonder why he wouldn't call me then if the reason why he doesn't is because he is too busy.

I am not sure we are on the same page.  More and more I am thinking that he has no intentions at all of giving us another chance that what I am to him is just an easy way to pass the time and an easy phone call to get laid.

I know. I know. I am totally repeating myself.  I must try and try again to stop this stupid thing we have going.

But how can I?  For even if he doesn't feel the same way, the time that I spend with him makes up for all the time I don't spend with him.  Even for one small moment in time in comparison to every other time, I feel wanted and I am not alone.

Is him saying that I am not just a booty call to him just another way of him stringing me along? Him playing games?

Why don't I have the strength to just move on.

I am scared.

Of him being with someone else.  And of me being alone.

Rambling

I wonder if everything I write about makes sense or if everything that I say is just stupid nonsense.

Sometimes I read through past posts and I think to myself - "how could I have ever written that - what was I thinking"

I think it is time for bed.

Too much thinking and too much stress leads to well.... no words at all.

Anxiety.

Who let the boobs out?

New outfit on and standing in front of the full length mirror in my room, I said to my bestie "geez look at my cans".

I don't really know how it happened but I am sure they would give any D cup a run for their money.  Normally a B to C cup every other day, that night they just about exploded out of my dress.  I am just thinking "damn girl - what happened?"

My bestie said " just enjoy it  - they look good"

So for one night, thank fully one night only, I was decked out with a larger than normal set of girls, ready to flaunt them out with my new Ted Baker dress.

I remember when my cuz told me she got fitted properly at the underwear section at Myer and was told she was a DD.  I instantly said to her she could've never been a C.  She was indeed devastated, but I said to her there is nothing wrong with being a DD, at least you are not squeezing yourself into a C cup when you are not!

A post about boobs, I know.  For one night and one night only, I actually felt I could rock my girls out and boy was it fun.

I felt a little uncomfortable though, being able to notice my chest in front of me, and actually a little glad that they went back to normal the next day.

How freaky.  Big boobs for one night only.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Starstruck by Leonardo

It's kind of weird seeing an A-List celeb in real life.  Especially when they just look and act like a normal everyday person.  That was the case anyway with Leonardo Dicaprio.

The first time I saw him at Cherry he came by himself surrounded by body guards and sat in a reserved area by a corner spending the whole time on his phone.  There were others around him but he didn't really talk to anyone.

I was pretty close to him, and he is quite a good looking person - 'he looked exactly like he does in the movies' I thought to myself.

Then I thought to myself again - 'der ... of course he is going to look like he does in the movies.... cos he is him?'

I saw him again last Friday night at Cherry.  And when he walked in, dressed again in a baseball cap and black puffer jacket, he held his drink and just looked at the ground as he walked to his usual corner.

People must have gotten wind that he was here and suddenly there were interested on-lookers trying to get a glimpse of this superstar.  We were sitting behind him with a column in between us.  The Smiz, my bestie and Hollywood and I.  Smiz didn't really take to the whole Leonardo thing.  She thought it was pretty pointless how he causes such a scene just by 'being'.  I started thinking how he must hate being stared at, pointed at and talked about right in front of him.  People looked at him not in appreciation of his work or what he has accomplished as an actor, but more so like a rare jewel, or an endangered animal - it was like a sense of amazement.

He didn't stay for very long and when he left, life just went back to how it was.  We kept on drinking.

Starstruck? Yes perhaps.  It was all a bit exciting to have seen him twice.  :)

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Home Away from Home

I decided to have a little cook up at my parent's home this weekend.

After a few too many crazy and expensive weekends, and more coming this month, I thought to take this opportunity and just hide out and relax over the weekend.

So I bought a massive 2kg of lamb on the bone and a big slab of grass fed beef and went on home.

Not too familiar with roasts I had to look up a recipe.  The Taste website has a fantastic range of recipes which are really easy to follow.

I wanted to try a slow roasted lamb but Dad doesn't like the texture of the meat so I went for the original quick and easy.  Sticking whole garlic pieces into the meat and covering it with rosemary fresh from the garden, it went in the over for a little over an hour.

It's so nice to be able to relax over the weekend and hang out with the family.  We don't necessarily talk for hours but it's nice to have a different feeling of 'being at home'.

Being here I don't feel pressured to have to head out because it is Saturday night, and I am happy to just relocate into bed and start watching the second season of Breaking Bad.

I received news the other day that one of my cousins just got engaged. I sighed - I am happy for her but I suddenly felt really sad for me.  I don't always admit it to myself or to anyone but I do feel sad that I don't have a special someone in my life.  I often wonder if I will end up alone and that becomes more than a little scary.

So I guess being home with Mum and Dad does help a little.  If I was at my apartment I would probably do a dumb thing like put a call into Mister or make plans to go out and waste more money on nothing.

I really need to knuckle down and save a bit.

See how I go this month I guess.

Queen of the Nile

Tonight is the official launch of 'The Star'.  Old name - Star City, new name .... just The Star.

Every time I head over to the Casino I always think back to the time when I had a gambling problem.  It all started when I had a boy-friend/fiancé that I couldn't get rid of.  He made me turn on my family and made me fight with my brother so we didn't speak to each other for six months. It is a strong word but I hated him, and I hated being so distant from my family even though we all lived in the same house.  I kicked this fiancé out of the house numerous times, bags packed, ute filled, but within a few hours he would always return and force me into 'make-up' sex, even when I didn't want it.

So I turned to the only place I knew I could be alone and that was the Casino.  It was always open and always welcomed me and best of all, it left me alone.  I never drank, and I never went with anyone, I just went with my bank card and a fist full of cash.

I realised I had a problem when I entered the Casino one Monday morning at about 7am with $5,000 in green hundred dollar bills.  I left at 7.15am with nothing but the feeling of defeat and the dread that I would have to again go home to this disgusting person asleep in my bed.  It was always depressing having to leave and head back to harsh reality.  I remember winning a substantial amount a few times, but I never collected as I didn't want to leave and return to the real world, so I played it until I had nothing left.

And there it started, I even told the fiancé where I was and he didn't care, he came with me a few times but all he did was spend my money.  After awhile he got the message that I really didn't want him around and he finally moved out.  By then I was already in too deep and I couldn't stop.  ATM's were too slow to release my cash, I would go into the bank to withdraw a big chunk at a time.

But I knew I had to stop, no matter what I did, hide my cards, cancel my credit cards, I always found a way to get cash.  Pretty soon all of my investments went and I then dipped into savings.  And when that went, I applied for credit cards.  I found friends that I could gamble with and I thought it was a whole lot of fun.

But when friends had enough and went home, when bars closed up for the night, my self-destruct button clicked on and I would always end up at the casino.  Within a year I probably gambled a deposit on a house, some weekends I would gamble the equivalent of a flight to Europe.  I just didn't care.  I was so angry.

After one very disastrous weekend, I had absolutely nothing left.  I felt sick in the guts for gambling the most I have ever done in only three days.  I was up to my eye balls in debt.  I couldn't do it anymore.  Then something clicked and I thought to myself this was stupid, I needed to get a grip and stop it.  This secret I kept to myself I couldn't keep in any longer.  So I confided in a friend.  He told me I wasn't alone, he said he knew other people in my position but he told me to just accept it and move on, money can be replaced but you don't want to lose your friends and family.  He supported me and didn't judge me for what I had been doing.  

I don't know how I did it but I did.  It had a lot to do with changing lifestyle choices and my social circle.  I had to stop hanging around people that gambled with me, because when they went home, I continued on.  I scrounged up enough money for an overseas trip.

I haven't gambled in nearly two years now and I have been back to the casino so many times since then,  but only for drinks and to have a good time with friends with no desire at all to have a punt or flutter.

I am still paying the price for what I did a few years ago, but I thank my lucky stars that even though my financial position is hard, it is manageable.  I don't have savings but I can still have a good time with friends, go on holidays and buy myself a pair of shoes if I want to.  It is my choice now to rebuild my financial portfolio again and get back on my feet.  I get down on myself now and then about what I did with all my savings but all I can do is just breath and try again.  I keep telling myself at least I am not gambling anymore.

I feel so liberated to be able to walk into the casino with my wallet and all credit cards in-tact without the urge to even put a gold coin in the machines.

If anyone has a gambling problem, don't feel defeated should you seek help with friends, family or even the help line.  It's not something to be ashamed of, it's an addiction that can be conquered and won.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Out of Sight Out of Mind

My Bestie told me the best way to forget about Mister is to apply the theory of 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Easier said than done.

A few weekends ago, Mister confirmed to me that he cannot commit, that he doesn't have the mental or physical capacity to be able to spend every spare moment of his time with me.  BUT - I meant more to him than a booty call and that he doesn't know what is going to happen in the future.  That what I am asking of him he will not make a decision on - NOW.

Whatever that is, to me it means he wants his cake and eat it too.  He wants to be able to call me up when he wants (which is not that often seeing as I am doing all of the calling at the moment).

Well I have tried to put into practice this 'Out of Sight, Out of Mind' theory.  And I just keep trying and trying.  I delete all of his emails, his text messages and make plans that won't involve him, but I always come to a situation where I want to call him.

Here are some examples:

1. Great hip hop gig on this Sunday - none of my friends like hip hop except for him
2. I left my keys at home with flatmates not returning home till late - need to kill some time
3. I am thinking of making a few purchases on eBay - I need to ask him some questions
4. I have a voucher for a restaurant near his place - I may as well invite him
5. It's 3am and there are no cabs - I should see if he is up and if I can stay over

I mean, totally ridiculous reasons I know.

Everyday I see another friend getting married or having a baby and I just think to myself 'geez and here I am holding onto a whole lot of freaking garbage that will not give me what i want!'

How do I let go when the feelings don't allow it?

Keep playing these stupid mind games with myself, to-ing and fro-ing of dumb emotions that just won't quit!  It's been nearly two years since the break-up, he has moved on, he has progressed with promotions, a new found independence, new group of friends and just living the dream.

As for me?

We are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

Getting Older

I'd never thought I would see the day when I would look at others around me and think to myself 'where did my life go?'

It's a scary thing looking at the the other side of 30, thinking to myself 'goodness 40 is just SO old'.
I try and make myself feel better about it but I don't, it doesn't work, alcohol and partying is only temporary.

It's so hard nowadays to go out and feel so much older, I look at others around me and wish for my own youth back, and how I if I could live it again I would do it so differently.

I look at my friends, nearly 10 years younger, but they are my friends who I confide in, who I get along with, and who are also budding artists, film makers, editors and lawyers.  Then I look at me.  10 years ago I didn't achieve and hadn't achieved as much as my younger friends and think have I really wasted my chance and opportunity of making it in the world?

Yes I have travelled, lived and loved but what of achievement? Personal goals, career and material status, a house, a family of my own and a bank account with savings?

That I have none of.  I still live day to day, I still plan an overseas trip every year and I still look forward to the weekend like most twenty somethings do.

I try and not get myself down thinking about it but it's so hard - DAMMIT - it's REALLY hard.

I think of how many years left before there would be no chance of me meeting someone, having a family, or even how much time I have left to save up superannuation.... not that many.

I used to think that I would be ok.  That everything would work out in the end, but I don't really believe that now.  Instead I am not sure what I believe in, I am grasping onto anything that would make me feel young, only it would leave me empty and depressed and hate how everything just passes and I just get older and older.

I think I just ate a rabbit's ass

It was one of those awesome occasions where me, Smiz and Hollywood caught up for dinner.  We had initially decided on heading to El Loco for some tacos and margaritas but then decided on El Capo.  I had read some great reviews on El Capo and thought it would be great to give it a go.

I got a mandarin margarita which was actually pretty nice.  Whilst waiting for the Smiz to arrive we ordered some starters and we also got given a serving of these weird pop-corny kernals that had some sort of salty seasoning on it.  Imagine eating an oversized corn kernal that was hollow.  Weird and not my favourite but yet I couldn't stop eating it.

Our starters came, corn bread with 'home made butter'.  Not sure if it was really home made but it was tasty, I do love my butter, though I didn't think much of the corn bread which were pretty much like deep fried balls of flour.

The other dishes we ordered were passable, such as the sardines, ceviche and red cabbage salad.

We ordered the rabbit cooked three ways and we were all very excited about it as it sounded fantastic.

I was the first one to try and initially I thought it was just me.  I didn't really like it, but I didn't want to ruin it for everyone so I didn't say anything.  I tried the soup that was poured around the meat when it was served.  It was gross, I think that would be the best way to describe it.

Smiz did one better though and said "this tastes like a rabbit's ass"

Now that I think about it I wish we were more vocal about the dish when we were asked how our meal was, but all we said was that it was 'interesting'.

The night ended perfectly though.

We walked over to Porteno for cocktails and ended up ordering more food.  It was only from the bar menu but it was definitely delicious and we all sighed in satisfaction as we ate our pork sliders and looked at the menu to order more food.  

So it was a thumbs down for El Capo or El Crappo as I now call it, I am not sure what all the rave reviews were about.

One thing we can all agree on though and that is Porteno, absolutely amazing, I always love heading back there, for a drink, bar food and looking forward to heading there for another dinner sometime soon.

I am trying to get a date in with my foodie buddies so I am hoping so in the next few months.

Yours truly

Miss A.

That cake

Looks harmless and quite delicious.

That's what I thought when I saw the chocolate cake being taken out of the oven to cool and later spread with icing.

It wasn't that I didn't know what kind of cake it was - I actually did, but I thought it had always been a  bit of a gimmick.  A high-school craze that didn't really mean anything much.

Such was the case when I sampled 'special' Anzac cookies way back in my teens, I didn't really feel anything mind altering or physically altering - maybe just a little bit of a funny tummy.

This chocolate cake that I tried, was so moist, and after a few bites you couldn't even taste anything other than chocolate and I guess I must have forgotten the special ingredient in it.

I started laughing at the slightest of things, I met a gay Thai guy and I thought he was the best thing that could've happened to the party, his 'camp-ness' totally emphasised but I thought it was just him.  I started dancing around the room and still didn't realise the cake had any effect, rather I thought it was the white wine I had drunk nearly a bottle of.

Then I got ready for dinner and realised how hard it was to put powder on, suddenly the world seemed distant and I struggled with the GHD through my hair.

'Oh no!' - I gasped - this couldn't be... I haven't felt like this in over a decade and there was a reason why.... I didn't like it.

By the time I got to the lift, my legs were tingling, my body started to and I regretted eating that cake right there and then.

In the car and onto the restaurant, I felt that time had stood still and by that stage I couldn't measure my voice levels, a trip to the ladies and back to the table felt like weeks apart.  I couldn't stay in the restaurant, everything felt distant, like I was in a bubble or a vacuum from reality.

Back in the car, with takeway by my feet, I started to jump back and forth in time. I thought I was still dressed for work but then not, didn't know what in the world was happening and I just wanted it to stop. But it wouldn't get any better, my body was like a big tingling pimple about to burst.  I was in a world of hate and swearing at that damn cake repeatedly.

I don't think I remembered how to eat, chew, get the fork in my mouth without missing it, the whole time trying to stop myself staring into the TV, mostly staring at nothing. Cursing in my head - 'damn that cake!'

Oh well I thought, let's just write off tonight, forget about it and look forward to a new day tomorrow.

My throat began to feel light, a bit funny, like I couldn't swallow as my throat was too big to contract and that I had no muscle there anymore.  By then I couldn't even talk properly, I couldn't mouth my words, and my voice was merely just a hushing sound of mumbles.

I passed out and woke up to the new day I was waiting for.

I was happy to feel normal again.

How exhausting!

On the upside - I felt refreshed, rested and felt good all over.

There goes one chocolate cake that I would be happy not to try again.

Yours truly

Miss A

n.b - 'the cake' is not pictured

Garbage Re-named

It started off as being light hearted and humorous in my eyes but I don't see it fit to continue calling him 'Garbage' rather I'd like to refer him to his new name... pretty easily re-named to just Mister.

I actually don't know what in the world is happening between me and Mister.  I feel somewhat drawn to him once more.

Dinner now becoming dinners, catch-up to catch-ups.

I am trying not to inject anymore emotion into whatever we are but I can't help it.  But the owner of first moves is not him anymore, it's me.  I am the one that sends him the text asking him what he is doing because I am in the area, asking him if he is free for dinner this week.  But regardless of who calls who, I look forward to seeing him now, whereas before I had a feeling of dread in my stomach.

I actually like being around him and it is fast becoming scary.  I try and remember how much he made me cry and how much he broke my heart but that memory doesn't last for long, as happier memories seem to take over stronger and quicker.  I remember all the nice things he used give me, breakfasts in bed, dinners in bed, conversations in bed that would last for hours and hours.

I am not sure what I am supposed to do right now?

Not so good Thai food

If I could nominate one cuisine in abundance in Sydney, I would say Thai.

There are the creme de la creme with the likes of Chat Thai and Spice I Am, and then there are the nice and passable ones, edible and ok if you are stuck for a place to eat or on a budget.  Places like Thai Lemon Grass, Best Thai or notable chains such as Thairrific all pass and normally get the tick of approval.

However...

Last night on recommendation from a few peeps, I went and had Thai at my local pub.  The Pad Thai was quoted as "amazing", the pork belly "is just delicious", and the Thai food there is just "gorgeous".

So I ditched the gym, felt a little guilty as I had only went once this week but shrugged it off as I would be walking from Redfern station to home, en-route the pub - which will take all up around thirty minutes.

I was tossing up either the soft shell crab or pad thai, and decided on a pad thai with a side of crab and prawn spring rolls.

The food came out in less than ten minutes and I was impressed.

The spring rolls had a little furry texture around it, makes me think they were deep fried in a pastry not usually used for spring rolls, I have had something like this before so I wasn't alarmed.  But it tasted weird, it didn't taste like crab or prawn but a weird mush of something I couldn't quite put my finger on.  The dipping sauce was as thick and sweet as jam with an oniony consistency that stuck to the insides of my teeth.  Not impressed.

The pad thai had massive wedges of capsicum and onion in it and even though the noodles were cooked correctly, the sauce was sweet, sticky and I am positive it had been cooked with tomato sauce.

There is no other way to describe it but it actually was pretty gross.  Someone ordered chicken and cashew and it came out drowned in a sauce concoction that looked just like watery oyster sauce.  I tasted half a spring roll that was vegetarian and was glad I didn't take the whole lot.

Overall a major disappointment.  I walked home sulking, feeling sick and kicking myself for not going to the gym then buying mince pork at the supermarket for a nice home cooked meal of steamed pork, topped with coriander and freshly cut chilli on a bed of rice.  That would have cost me around $5 not the $27 that I spent at the dodgy Thai joint.

I went home and microwaved popcorn to make me feel better, watched half an episode of Sons of Anarchy and went to bed sulking, feeling totally sick in the guts.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

He's back

I think I am back to square one.

It has been hard to avoid all of his calls and texts to meet up for dinner but I gave in and now garbage is back in my life.

I think about him everyday and it has disrupted my world and tipped it upside down, churned it around and dumped it right in the pit of my stomach where I will feel angst all day and night.

I asked him why he has done this as it is not fair on me, in which he replied, "I don't know, I just want you around"

So unfair, to call me as he feels and leave me hanging in which he replied, "I don't even have time for most people and I make time for  you"

I would rather not have this feeling in my stomach just so I could have moment or two of caress, closeness and intimacy.  But I went there and feel punished with the constant feeling of anxiety, unable to do anything but think of him and play in my head, the movie of how I am seeing us in the future.

Geez, I am too old for fantasies when it comes to love, I crave the real thing and have brought up a sense of hope for us again... if only, if only, if only.

Time's ticking away, should I pursue or should I again, once more begin the long winded task of trying to forget, only to receive a phone call once more - because he still wants me in his life.

I wish it would get through to his thick head - I just can't be what he wants me to be - whatever it is that I am to him.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

The Pool of Options

I have just started watching Offspring on TV and I must say I actually really like it.

In one episode, Nina had what was supposed to be a one night stand and she couldn't shake the 'afterwards' as her relationship hat went straight on.

I think I can relate, I have said it before and I will say it again, sometimes I wish that I just had the emotions of a guy.  For some reason most guys seem to be able to master and perfect the act of a one night stand. I am eagerly looking for some tips to be able to perfect it on my end.  Any suggestions would be very welcome.

I wonder if it has something to do with age, I do remember being in my twenties and it actually was so much easier.  But back then it was also so much easier to have a 'pool of options'.  What pool of options do I have now?  At the moment, not being in my twenties has reduced the pool to about nothing, mainly due to me being more selective, picky, less likely to talk to a random guy and also less likely to go out more than once or twice a week.

I will even put it to the places in which I now frequent.  Last Saturday night me and Janey went out on a little food tour.  I wouldn't say that the three places we went to, which were two restaurants and the newly refurbished El Loco in Surry Hills were prime positions to open up our 'pool of options'.  Alas our challenge 'First to Pash Wins' - did not even get a chance to start.... were we just being too picky? Or are we these days so content to have fun within our small but tight circle of friends that we fail to notice those outside of the circle?

My bestie tells me that Sydney is just too snobby, that people actually don't care to venture out of their comfort zone and are just content to stay in their own circles.  And I do agree.  Take for example the last time I 'hooked' up.  Italian, traveller, not from Sydney.  - Is this the ugly truth?

My chances of venturing out of Sydney will not happen in the near future and even if after the last attempt of a one night stand was a success in terms of me not having the relationship hat on, it failed in the sense that I came out of it grossed out that I even went there.

I dread to think, is that an indication of what's left in my pool of options?

Yours truly,

Miss A

Getting my cooking groove back

I love cooking as much as I love eating.  Now that I am not at my parent's home as often, there has been some pros and cons.

Cons - I don't get the opportunity to eat both my Mum's and Dad's cooking everyday.
Pros - I am starting to get creative in the kitchen again.

The first meal I cooked at home was a pretty basic t-bone and mash dinner.  The second is a little more exciting... home made pie.

Well it is not really rocket science to make though it is one of those dishes that you have to be prepared to wait for.  Being patient is not really a great attribute of mine.  So whilst cooking dinner I also snacked on cheese and crackers and of course red wine.

To make a home made pie, the filling takes around twenty to thirty minutes to prepare (especially when you do not own a proper knife set as yet), about an hour and a half to cook and simmer and then another forty-five minutes to bake in the oven.  During which time me and my dinner-mate made a second trip to the bottle shop and returned with a bottle of vodka.

Here is the end result - my first attempt at beef and mushroom pie.

I served it with mash, and it was one of those really buttery and tasty mashes that you just can't get enough of.  I am pretty sure that the right choice of butter played a big role in the mash success.  The t-bone mash was made with a spreadable sort-of-a butter and it didn't have the same texture or taste as this one.  Note - just use the block butter and try and forget about the calories or where it will end up on your body.

I had planned to make mango and cream crepes for dessert, but with the pie being ready to serve at ten-thirty at night and the bottle of vodka opened after two bottles of wine, I wasn't about to embark on the crepe journey that night.  And luckily I didn't as my dinner-mate did end up confessing she didn't like crepes or mangoes a few days later.

What I love about this current groove is looking forward to making the next dish.  With a nose to tail degustation on the cards, a quarter of a cow being bought at the markets with my foodie buddies, and with my newly found Saturday morning hobby at the growers markets, I am constantly brianstorming what to cook next.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

A little inspiration

I recently caught up with my foodie buddies where I was invited over to their place for a Sunday roast.

They told me of the growers markets that happen every Saturday and conveniently, very close to my new apartment.  It was there that they bought a whole lamb as well as a variety of organic potatoes, much more than the ones I'm used to - red, white, brushed or unbrushed.

The roast was a lamb leg and the meat just fell off the bone and it was totally delicious and cooked perfectly.  Accompanied by the loveliest potatoes and a long time favourite of mine with most Western meals - fresh sourdough bread with a generous spread of butter.  A side of squash was also served up and it added a lush yellow colour to the table of browns and reds (the wine).  

I have never really been one for loads and loads of gravy, and always find food cooked as it is to be at it's tastiest.  And this dinner did just that.  

The night has also inspired me to host a little dinner of my own.  

Very excited at the thought of also buying a whole lamb from the markets, I have mentally started to plan a lamb nose to tail degustation.  

The process has started, researching and aiming to host this little event in July.  I am very excited.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

The return of garbage

I moved into my new apartment today.  And it wasn't without it's dramas.

The deal with living in a large apartment complex which I shall now refer to as the compound, has a tonne of rules and regulations which I guess ensures there is order in the village.  There are nearly 20,000 apartments in the compound, equipped with a fairly large gym, two pools - one indoor and out, tennis courts, basketball courts and 24 hour security.  And by security, I mean ones that are generally not very pleasant and with an attitude to boot.

But I am in there now giving it a go, see how long it takes before I start yelling security - or shall I say building management.

Other news connected with this move.... you remember the subject of garbage?  Well it took me awhile to get him out of my head.  It was a lot of hard work.  Not seeing him, not replying to his texts, resisting the urge to meet up with him.  Finally after a lot of persistence on his part, I finally said yes.

Last Friday I went out and had dinner with him, and after that we went to a house party.  It was fun and we got a little tipsy together, something we had rarely even done when we were in a relationship.  He was nice and wanted to do things I enjoyed, like have a shot of tequila, something we had never done together.  Though it may be that during the time in which we were dating, I hadn't found love in tequila yet.  Let's just say that we, tequila and I, had never been properly introduced.

It may also have been great timing, when I got approval on the apartment last week I mentioned it in conversation and he offered to help.  I wasn't about to say no, especially after footing out a months rent and bond in advance.

Now comes the bad part, ever since we had dinner, caught up, had fun, I haven't been able to get him back out of my head.  And once again, he started on his hot and cold treatment.  Last week he acted like he wanted to hang out with me and enjoyed my company and then today during the move, it was the complete opposite.

I am weirded out.  I cannot handle this confusion in my life once again.  And I am dreading the hard work it's going to take to remove him once more from my head and from my life.

It had come to a point, just recently, that if he ever did come back into my life, I thought it would be easy not to feel anything, especially since I have moved on, had a few flings and played around in the dating scene again.

But I was wrong.  It's not that easy, and I wonder how and more importantly why, after such a long time, after months and months of getting over him and feeling safe about all feelings gone, have they now emerged.

Tequila can't help me this time.  I went to tequila after dinner with him but I was not alone.

Tequila is his friend too.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

The Norfolk

I recently found myself a new obsession, a place where I would like to be every day of the week.  I heard about the newly re-furbished Norfolk a few months back, it possibly could've been last year.

It took me awhile to finally make it there for a visit.  But when I did, it was instant love.  In the midst of house hunting with my cuz, we went in for a little visit and lunch.  Cuz was hungover so she decided on a Bloody Mary.  Tasty... I thought, though I have not had a decent Bloody Mary since I last made it myself, and even so it would bring me back to a time when I ordered one at 8am at a pub and it was not the greatest.

Take a look at this, what's more, it's made with tequila and the right kind of spicey.  What an awesome concept.

I had a burger for lunch, don't let the minute size fool you.  So so tasty, and the sauce I put on the chips literally took my breath away... their Habanero sauce is seriously good.

The next time I went there, I went for the $3 tacos and complimented them with a Tommy's margarita.  I had emphasised to the bartender how there weren't too many people that could make a good margarita ... full stop.

So the bartender whom I was speaking with told me he had just come back from the U.S where "the margaritas were amazing" and would only cost you $6.  Brilliant! I thought.  Best margaritas always come from those who drink it themselves.

Although we waited over an hour for our dinner, it was worth it and I cannot wait to head back to try the remaining flavours on the menu, fish and vegetarian.  That night I had the chicken, beef and pork. The chicken being the favourite for me.  Taco Tuesday ... I highly recommend it - if you have the patience to wait.  Though it could just be a matter of being there at the right time.

ooooo.... my favourite night of the week is Tequila Friday.  I ventured there last Friday after a late dinner so I did miss out on the $5 tequila and sangrita shots and the $10 margaritas but the bar was still packed and vibing.

I ordered a Tommy's without even a second thought and shots of Herradura Anejo.  At that point I didn't know how much more I could've loved a place so that was when I decided I was obsessed.  There I had it, in my hands, the best Tommy's margarita I have had to date.  I was in heaven.

Norfolk Hotel, I love it.  The food is great, the drinks are delish, and the atmosphere is how I would describe as casual with an edge.  With the Norfolk I get the sense of cool without the wank, friendliness without the sucking up, a pride without the snobbery, and an edge without the weird.

Yours truly,

Miss A

The Norfolk Hotel
305 Cleveland Street
Surry Hills

Bye Bye Tiny Dancer

Funny how things change so quickly.  From looking forward to the next kiss to not wanting to pick up his calls or answer his texts at all.

I quite liked not knowing him that well.  When all we really did was kiss and I would listen and smile to every time he called me sexy in his heavy Italian accent.

But now, every thought of him makes me cringe.  

I realised how the last few times we were together I paid for drinks and he made no offer to contribute.

I went with him into a bar and on entry he jumped around like he was Mr. Popular with his besties all around him, only to receive a luke warm response, an acknowledgement rather than an excitement to see him.

At that same bar, he proceeded to push in front to get served by trying to grab the attention of the manager by playing Mr. Popular again but the manager only looked at him and walked away.

He met me at dinner with some of my friends and then threw a tanty because he thought it was going to be just us - if that was the case, he should have said so rather than organise to meet me wherever I was.

After that same dinner, he said that he had to listen to us talk shit for two hours.

When I was over at his place, I sat and watched him drink his tea and he failed to offer me even a glass of water.

He would say in a text he would be five minutes away, only to turn up over half an hour later.

And when the clothes came off ... 

Damn, we just shouldn't have gotten to know each other.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Baci

There is always something really attractive about an European accent, and it gets me every time.

He is Italian, he's hot and totally sexy.  His accent and broken english text messages make smile and laugh. What's more, every time we meet, he showers me with compliments that make me giggle and smile even more.

I met him whilst he was working at a bar, ordering what else but a margarita and probably a round of tequila shots.  And when you invite someone to come sit with you when he finishes and he says yes, I didn't take it seriously. Back in my bar tending days I've probably said yes to a few patrons and forgotten about it minutes later.

Well he did come over and to my surprise, sat with us.

The last few times we have caught up, we pashed just about everywhere, dance floor, on the street, in a club, in a bar, waiting for drinks, waiting to get out onto the street.

I find kissing in public fun yet naughty, we would lose ourselves in the moment and my hand would wander under his shirt, get the light touch of fingers along my thigh or a grab on the ass, arms around a waist or neck.

Kissing (wherever it may be) - there's always a great passion about it especially when that someone wants to kiss you all the time.

Yours truly,

Miss A

Is this a wasted post too?

I read a lovely post just then and I've decided to also do a little post on friendship.  This fellow blogger actually confronted her friend and as a result they have become friends again.

As for me well we are still friends, but I sometimes wonder if it is me that is making all of the effort and I wonder if my efforts are really worth it at all.

I always think, what's wrong with me? Am I just not the person I used to be, the person that they liked or did I use to be the person that they would talk about and it has never really grown into a friendship anyway, rather just an acquaintance to catch up with once and awhile?  Text messages ignored, being left whilst she flutters about, or even the constant reminder that we should be doing this or that, it just feels that maybe, just maybe I am not the friend she wants to be doing it with.

I believe that as friends, like the post I just read, should always be there for each other, it's not really a big responsibility, rather just an automatic response because you are friends, after all a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Third Time Unlucky

Of course the date was a disaster! Ok well it wasn't a total disaster, he was actually a normal, conservative, closed off to the world, not up to date with trends, so not my type, kind of guy.

Firstly, he was late.

Secondly, he obviously uploaded old photos onto his profile as he looked quite buff in his photos, but in reality, pretty puny.  He also said he was taller than he was.  And when I first laid eyes on him, I felt my insides go 'EW' and I possibly cringed.  Thank goodness for the three vodkas and two tequilas I had prior.  I needed something to keep me sane and occupied especially if I had to use only my material in conversation - which I did.

Thirdly, we were at a Malaysian restaurant, Mamak, well respected and very well known for their food.  Great reviews by all .... except for him.  It was his first time trying Malaysian cuisine and he pretty much said he didn't like it.  I even mentioned that Mamak is a one hatted eatery and he asked me what a hat was.  Need I mention anymore reasons why we wouldn't get along?

I love to eat, wine and dine and I'm pretty sure I made that clear on my profile.  Did he read anything past my desire to only chat with people who could spell?

My tipsy state got me through the long hour and a half.  He asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee after dinner.  I said I needed to get back at 10pm and that I didn't drink coffee anyway.  I said this whilst I was drinking a highly sugary black traditional Malaysian style coffee drink.... oops.

We got to the cashier and walked out onto the street.  It was 9.20pm.  He said that he had another twenty minutes with me.  In which I replied,

"Sorry dude, I'm hopping in this cab"

I left him on the street.

And this may sound a little predictable,

I went back to tequila.

Tequila, never lets me down.  Guaranteed fun times, great night out, loads of smiles, and I don't even wake up with a hangover.

The next morning I deleted my profile.

Yours truly,

Miss A.

Dating Game Phase 3

I don't know why but I am going to have dinner with a guy this Saturday.  Again, never met him, only online and we spoke on the phone yesterday for awhile.  He wanted to ensure that I didn't sport a Malaysian accent.  For some reason he can't stand my native accent and I am tempted to put one on for the entire time I am with him Saturday night.

This Saturday will also see the departure of a long lost friend Monty as she heads overseas to live.  I realised earlier in the week that I had double booked myself and now will plan on making an appearance to both the dinner and the farewell.

I haven't seen Monty for a few years now, she was the one I was with when I first met the ex-boyfriend whom I have previously mentioned, you can read an example of this here.  Funnily enough I have been thinking about him a lot lately, almost calling him or sending him a text.  It was hard not to make contact, and I am glad that so far I have not made the move.

Back to the 'date'.  I am not sure if he is my type at all.  But he seemed normal in his photo, and we both like people who can spell.  Geez, I wouldn't say that I am a spelling bee, but there are so many people out in the world that either can't spell or choose to not care enough and allow for spelling mistakes to be a representation of who they are.

The deal was to take him to my favourite Malaysian restaurant and he will take me to his favourite Vietnamese restaurant.  I happily recommended me taking him first seeing as his restaurant is in Parramatta.   Well I am not going to invite him over to my place, where the best Malaysian food resides so I made plans to go to Mamak.  I haven't told him about the line that sometimes go as far as a few doors away :)

The plan is to head back to Monty's farewell (with or without him) and then have an early night in.

Looking forward to it!

Yours truly,

Miss A

I know April is for loving pork but...

Whilst reading the latest issue of Gourmet Traveller, I was informed that April is the International Festival of Pork.

I experienced something last Friday that pretty much pushed the boundary of loving pork, and well, put me off the meat for a good few days.  Well I do love it and I was back on it by today.

After a great dinner at Pizza e Birra Surry Hills, and bottle of wine with the Smiz, we met up with another pal of ours Hollywood.  Hollywood is this great gal I have known for years now, back in the days of Chinese Laundry, where she reminded me that during her first shift with me I was severely hungover.  Yes I was, I do remember taking a drinks order and by the time I went to make them I forgot what the order was.  And kids, don't try this at home but I am pretty sure I took a valium or two before my shift.

Back to the story of my weird pork encounter.  We went over to a bar called The Passage in Darlinghurst and decided to order some margaritas.

I say:  "Can you make a Tommy's Margarita?"
He says: "No but I can make you a Pork Margarita"

Hollywood's face lit up and my mouth stayed open for longer than it should.  The Smiz was socialising as she does but we decided to order her one anyway.

Pork Margarita:
Pork fat infused in tequila with a crackling and salt rim

Ok so it sounded interesting, so we decided to try it.  Curiosity got the better of us.

First taste, the tiniest sip ever.

- Hmm slight taste of smokey bacon.

Second taste, a slightly bigger sip.

- It's like a cheese and bacon ball dipped in tequila.

Alarm bells started ringing in my head when I saw a thin film of fat floating on my drink.

I say: "how much cholesterol is in this drink?"
He says: "none"

Somehow I don't believe him.

Hollywood loved it.

Smiz was not so sure.

I on the other hand got us a round of Ocho to cleanse our palate.

Love, Tilly Devine.

Today I was pretty good following my diet.  Yes I had a wrap for breakfast but it only had egg, spinach and mushrooms in it, and it was a spinach and herb wrap... surely that's fine?

Lunch was chicken breast strips with tofu, zucchini and fresh chilli on a bed of cos lettuce.  No carbs, I'm doing well.

I snacked on five almonds maybe six, I made sure I didn't have more than that on my desk.

But then I realised in the afternoon how bloated I became.  It was uncomfortable, my belly was massive, but it felt hollow.  I don't know if it was because of something I ate?  If anyone knows at all, please let me know.

I know it's probably not the best thing to say, but over a glass of red, I actually felt better.

Met up with the one and only Janey, we went to a bar I have been meaning to check out called Love, Tilly Devine.  We headed to a small alley behind Crown Street on Darlinghurst.  It actually used to be the store room of Best Cellars.  And the name came from a well known Madame, back in the day.
Some people have the best ideas.

What we did enter into was a cute bar, with loads of personality, a great vibe about it and cosy enough to be hidden away.  We also noticed the overpriced menu, our wine by the glass was $15, yes it was from France and yes a very nice drop though I didn't fancy ordering another at that price.

So we finished off our plate of mixed salami which was neither here nor there, as well as the plate of peas, olive tepanade and buffalo cheese drowned in olive oil and decided to head off to Pocket Bar for another glass of vino.

I must tell you something about Janey and that is her love for crepes.  Although this may be our second time ever having crepes together but it was re-enforced to me... Janey Loves Crepes.

We went for the lemon curd, pine nuts with Cointreau sorbet.  I was expecting the usual moon shaped crepes to come out but it actually threw me when it came out rectangular.  Nice touch I thought and it went down well.

I know I haven't done well staying off the carbs but one thing I have been doing is staying away from sugar.

The crepes went down well, but I also need to go to sleep and I am not sure this will happen any time soon.

A lovely casual night out.  Back home now and getting ready for bed and prepping for a client meeting tomorrow.

Did I tell you the first week at work went well?

Not signing off as per usual today.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe not.

The new diet plan

So I figure I will try and do the best I can to follow the South Beach Diet this week, at least it's a start.  It's not a hard diet to follow but I do find it hard to fit it into my social life.

For example the week just past, I found myself catching up with the Smiz who I haven't caught up with properly for awhile.  We went to Super Bowl in Chinatown, down right cheap Chinese food and of course carb central.  We had what we both dubbed a white person's dinner:

1. Spring Rolls
2. Steamed Prawn Dumplings
3. Beef Brisket Noodle Soup
4. Combination Chow Mein

and not to forget a bottle of Red.

It was such a great night to catch up with someone who I always love having a chat to and with everything that happens in our lives, we just don't catch up as often as I'd like to.

We swapped stories about our new jobs, how we were both going, and it actually seems not too long ago that we both worked in the same club together.  We briefly touched on the old club days also.  Fun times, friends made and how much things have changed.

I filled her in on my new role in a boutique agency, how different it is and how much more I am doing in terms of input, thinking, and how I feel I am able to contribute so much more to all the campaigns I am working on.

We spoke in excitement of the new bar opening we will be attending next weekend along with my bestie who will be coming to Sydney for a fleeting visit.

How could I have said no to catching up with this gorgeous friend of mine who I haven't seen for ages all because I had to abstain from carbs and alcohol?

So I have come up with a new plan, and it's pretty simple really... 'To Try My Best'.

Cut out the carbs best I can. And when I do find myself in a position where I do find it hard, try my best to only have a small portion.  It's only five days after all.  Included in that plan is to make the gym, increase cardio and increase frequency to more than twice a week.

Yours Truly,

Miss A.

Diet Fail

First day at the office was as first days always are, get to know the accounts, the clients, their websites.  I spent most of the time studying client's websites more than once, more than five times even.  By midday I had used 50% of my phone's battery and even without a game of Angry Birds.

I came out of a Monday morning meeting knowing that I am not supposed to surf the net, have to be in at 8.30am and my boss will be keeping tabs at what time everyone turns up to work.  Well with about seven or eight of us, it's not a very hard task to keep up to date.

I of course turned up at 9.00am not knowing what the agency start time was, and as Dad said to me later on , "you should've asked".  Assumption, dare I say it's one of my worst enemies.

The day went well though, it's nice to be valued, to be heard and to be able to give input into a campaign.  I was given an account which is to be my new 'baby'.  An excellent challenge, a chance to shine and actually put my skill set to use and most of all to be able to think and be challenged, and to know that what I have to give, my experience will be appreciated.

Then came the fail.  First day of my attempt at the South Beach Diet started well.  Two egg omelette with asparagus, mushrooms and 97% fat free champagne ham, topped with coriander and pepper.  Delicious and I snacked on almonds before lunch time.

Lunch time... oh dear!  I met up with a friend of mine visiting from the UK, bless his cotton socks and all 5"1 of him, he actually came to see me at work.  I met him at the train station and on impulse decided to have McDonalds for lunch.  I thought the McChicken meal was the best option rather than my preferred Quarter Pounder meal, and I tried to forget the large Big Mac meal I had yesterday as a snack after lunch.

I am not doing very well am I?

To make things worse, after my failed attempt to have dinner and red wine with Janey, I got myself a cheese and bacon roll from Bakers Delight and ate it on the platform in 3 minutes before my train arrived to go home.  I even by passed the gym, I promised myself a session today and for the rest of the week ... fail!

I even had dinner when I came home, brown rice which was not too bad I guess seeing as I was on a massive fail of a diet day today anyway.

Me and Janey promised via text message that we would start tomorrow.  I asked her if she wanted me to buy an online deal for us - a starter to share, two large pizzas or pastas and two desserts for a ridiculously awesome price of $19.  She reminded me of that damn diet.  I sighed and closed the window.  I've had their pizzas before, they are outstanding.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Give me strength somehow.

Yours truly,

Miss A

Photo ref: Pizza and wine in Johannesburg before my flight back to Sydney. 

Moving onwards and upwards

After having two weeks off, tomorrow I will head back into the advertising world on a much smaller scale.

I have pretty much downsized from the big well known internationals, housing anywhere from fifty to a hundred people to a local, small sized agency with a team of people that I can count on with my two hands.

I feel like there will be a major culture shock, I have had to be strong, assertive and thick skinned in the big agency environment, you have to or you will not succeed and be noticed.  That's what big agencies are about, being noticed, being the gun account handler, the star.

I was told that I would have to tone that down now, that my strong personality will cause angst, stress and it will effect the rest of the team.  The thing is I never even thought of myself as being able to project that sort of vibe, and have never realised how much my personality can affect others around me.  It was a little weird to be told that I am a 'powerful woman'.  When I think of a woman with that sort of power and influence I think Oprah, Madonna, but me?

I am a little nervous about tomorrow, I hope that this has been the right decision.  My heart is set to go overseas, but now, it will have to be put on hold again for the third time in two years.  When will I make it?  I gave myself a goal of twelve months, but it will probably have to be in at least two or three years.

The last two weeks, I lived and let myself go, closed the last chapter and now tomorrow begins the new. Like I said before I feel like this year has only just begun.

I have also decided on surrounding myself with positive people, I caught up with an old friend this week and I found all we could talk about was the past, and on things that were not even positives in life.  I felt there and then that if I was to continue our friendship, things would not be better for me, it would only cause a halt with what I needed to do to progress and get everything I need to in my life in place.  By staying in this friendship a lot of my goals I wanted to reach have stalled, and this has been over the last two or three years, and I am still trying to reach those same goals I wanted to achieve in twelve months.

I woke up this morning and realised that I needed to cut contact and deleted the phone number.

Tomorrow the 28th March:

1. Start of a new job
2. Two weeks of no carbs
3. Two weeks of no alcohol

I'll let you know how it goes.

Yours truly,

Miss A

Maya - keeps you wanting more

I'd like to tell you all about a little place on Toorak Road in Melbourne called Maya.

It's a tequila bar with a Mexican inspired menu to die for.  I am really enjoying tasting menus at the moment and Maya has just that.

The chicken ribs for example are absolutely divine.  Whenever I think of ribs I think American style pork ribs. Or even beef ribs.  I would never have thought of these dainty, extremely meaty and tasty chicken ribs.  Whats more, they were not greasy, marinated and served in a finger licking tasty sauce that I would continue licking from until the plate was clean.

Another share plate on the menu is the grilled corn on the cob.  This isn't usually a dish I would expect to find on the menu either, and I must admit it does require some level of skill to be able to eat it properly.

Simple but delicious idea, but as I said it does require a certain amount of skill to eat.  See below for exhibit A - how two pieces of corn have been eaten.

I would have loved to have eaten a lot more especially the Fundido Con Chorizo but with our pre-dinner drinks and snacks earlier on, I could only order a few small dishes.  But the Fundido Con Chorizo does come highly recommended.  Pan fried chorizo, with cactus, spinach and mushroom, topped with melted cheese - what is there not to love?  My mouth is watering thinking about it and I am quite upset that I didn't get to try a lot more this trip.

It is the best excuse however to head back over to Melbourne soon, very soon, as it won't be long until I start craving the food and margaritas again at Maya.

Yours truly,

Miss A

Maya Tequila Bar and Grill

74 Toorak Road

South Yarra

Melbourne 3141

To make a booking: 03 9866 8836

Dishes range from: $11.50 - $30.00 

Drunk sexing - V2

I did have a previous post on this subject which I have deleted as I wasn't happy with it.  On reflection, in addition to the structure and content, perhaps I also deleted it as it wasn't true to my heart.

Let's start again.

It's been awhile since I participated in a drunken one-night stand.  Usually whenever I did have sex, even if it was casual, I at least participated in conversation, knew a bit about him and we both had an understanding that we did like each other or at least found a mutual attraction.

This drunken sex act however did not even have any conversation involved, yes we talked but it was social talk, and as you get after a few more drinks and shots of tequila, everything becomes nothing more than a blur.

I thought it was a little too easy when he said to me out of the blue, 'I think I should come home with you'.

And when I'm drunk and I think you're cute, I'm not going to say no.

I don't know if I can remember much of what happened, it was dark, we fumbled with clothes, we passed out and I woke up with him next to me.

He left with a short goodbye, no exchange of numbers, no conversation in bed, no next steps.

Back in Sydney and I just feel a little lost, a little weird that it all happened that way.  It has been such a long time since I have done anything like this I wasn't sure how I should deal with it.  No biggie I say to myself but I would have maybe preferred to find out if we did have a mutual attraction, if we really did want to sleep with each other rather than me believing that what happened meant nothing at all other than a drunken spontaneous decision.

Sometimes I do wish I could turn that button off in my head and in my heart, where I can just mindlessly pick up and get it on with someone, a total stranger and not even wanting to know their name or something interesting about them.

Well I actually tried and well, the button didn't stay off and I wonder about the whole idea of it happening and if it was all a forced effort and if there was any attraction there at all.  It could very well and in which I truly believe it to be, an easy set up between friends, something that was a sure thing.

I wouldn't say that I would be too keen to get myself into such a position and make such a rash decision again.  What probably did it was the excitement of being in a different city, and the idea of having sex with someone new instead of constantly heading back to my ex even if it was just to satisfy sexual urges and needs that we all have.

At the end of the day what happened was just a whole lot of fun, even if I do not recall most of it, I just need to remember that the excellent hangover that I got the next morning was definitely worth every bit of it.

Yours truly,

Miss A.